hanging on His Word

So what happened on the cross then?

2007-04-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

You come by my side
In my suffering and death
You suffer with me on a cross of sin
God with me feeling God-forsaken
God with me in my fear
God with me on my own
God with me without anyone to help
Excluded outside the city gate

Your suffering alleviates my guilt
In Your forsakenness I find God’s company
In Your humilation You have raised me up
And my brokenness is transformed into joy
You turn my death into Your life
And I am bound to You
Where You are, there I will be

You give me new life
not like the old
It is Your own resurrection life
And I am hidden in You

I take joy in my Salvation...
It is shaped by You
Geared toward You
Because of You
I find myself with gifts
to share Your love
to demonstrate Your grace
to everyone I know

Your love transcends all my relationships
You open me up to others
Therefore my place is among the people
alongside the suffering
My purpose is to love my neighbour
lifting up the humilated
cherishing the scorned
just as Jesus did for me

Hey everyone. I've really been enjoying some books at uni recently dealing with Jesus' death and resurrection. In pondering all this over, I just wanted to blog my thoughts and hopefully pass on something of how profound a thing was God's action in Jesus. The above poem sums it all up. Here I've expanded a little more

Christian hope is found only in Christ - that's why it's called Christian hope. It is not 'any old hope' - it is charcterised by Who Jesus is and so it is unique.

Truly Christian hope always looks to Jesus alone - only in Jesus is God fully known.

So who is God revaled as in Jesus??

In Jesus we meet 'the Crucified God'

Jesus' cry captures everything...

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

It is right here, in Jesus' God-forsakenness, His brokenness, that we find God's company - God with us - God right by our side, identifying and suffering with us - taking on our burdens.
Not only this but Jesus' innocence makes His suffering able to atone for our sins.

Thus in Jesus we meet a God:

who understands the worst of human disgrace and shame
who fully understands death and God-forsakenness
who understand hopelessness, despair
who knows what is is like to face sin
Yet overcomes our sin alleviating our guilt thereby reconciling us to God

Yet the Crucified God is also the Risen One.
His death is meaningless without His resurrection
Let us not miss out half the story -
Jesus' death offers a hope: forgivenss and reconciliation to God
Jesus' Resurrection proves this hope REAL and RELIABLE - hope that was able to survive death!!

In Jesus death God offers us His hand of understanding and forgiveness...
In His Resurrection He pulls us through death, suffering and God-forsakenness into resurrection life!!!

This life is not like the old life of damaged relationships, isolation and purposelessness. Rather because it is given by Christ, it is necesarily Christ-defined - taking a particular form. This Christ-shaped form is both relational AND redemptive!
It is relational in that just as Christ suffered alongisde humanity on the cross, we are to get alongisde the isolated, scorned and oppressed - that they may know God's company in their seemingly God-forsaken situtation. Resurrection life restores and builds relationships.
It is redemptive in two ways:

As we show Christ shaped love, people are liberated from a sense of isolation, rejection and exclusion
As we show Christ shaped love, people meet Jesus Himself and see Salvation. Forgiveness and reconciliation to God beckons that they may respond.

In this we ourselves are liberated from isolation and purposelessness. Our Christ-shaped life opens us up to one another creating and restoring relationships. Jesus heart to love one's neighbour becomes our purpose, goal, and calling.

We are set free for eachother. Loving others become our ultimate calling, commandment and purpose. This is what all your gifts and talents are for - this is what the Christ-shaped uniqueness in you is for.

latest feelings

2007-04-16T03:00:00.000-07:00

I shut my mouth
Ashamed of my sin – my turning away
I loose hope when I consider how I can rectify my life
So much is wrong
Surely I am an offence to You
My pride is repulsive
Nothing good lives in me

You consider my plight of hopelessness as I face my sin
You take up my burdens
You break my heart by forgiving me
Your Word says You take delight in me
So I cannot give up, because all I am is You
You have given me the hope and life I seek

You present my challenge
You Yourself are my reward
Yet You are the only way I can take the smallest step
My heart needs Your love every step of the way
I need Your Strength each moment

Comfort my troubled thoughts
Give me clarity
Give me enthusiasm
Give me zeal but with the correct purpose
Lead me not into temptation
And forgive me when I fail
Above all help me to love
Help me to see those who hurt – and encourage them – lift them up to You

So what do I feel about God at the mo

2007-04-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

You ask for everything
But You are everything to me
all my passion and life is tied up in You
Living for You is the only place i'm at peace
when I truly seek after Your face
when I be the man You made me to be

Yet when I try and live for You
I run up against a wall
I don't know how to do it
I haven't got it all worked out
and sometimes I really don't know what the right descision to make is

But You have taken care of me thus far
I won't worry
just set my heart on You
and know You are my God
and abide in Your love for me
and concern myself with sharing that with everyone
this is my passion
this is my purpose
my calling
this is what You have made me to be
this is what all my talents are for
this is where I can spend all my energy
this is where I can enjoy life and flourish
i will think on Your love for me - and love the world the same

Thank You 2

2007-02-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

Thank You for being my Strength
when I asked for help
not leaving me to die
to fight my sin myself,

Thank You for loving me
and offering a new start
thank You for seeking a response from me
instead of on me giving up,

Thank You for looking out for me,
even though i had gone astray
You cared enough to seek after me
and provide for me each day,

Thank You for being patient
and although You HATE my sin
You have not in rage
sealed my fate
but give me the option to repent

be gentle please

2007-02-09T14:55:00.000-08:00

please be gentle with me Lord
i am fragile and wounded
help me to catch my breath
and recover again

i am not a warrior
i am not strong
though i once thought i was

i am instead a failure
depending on Your grace each day
in all my thinking
and in all my folly
and in all i am
i have no strength to save myself

i am helpless
and depend completely on You
please do not be angry with me beyond measure
but be gentle
recognising my weakness

help me to not give up

2007-01-20T01:01:00.000-08:00

When I turn
To sing Your praise
I am stopped short
Because I am a hypocrite
How can I sing
Of trusting You
When disobedience marks my way

So I sit in my shame
And open my mouth no more

Yet You want more from me
Knowing my shame is not enough
You require true repentance
For me to turn around
And set my face as flint to do what is right

So I leave my sin for You to deal with
And resolve to set things right
And no credit to me either
For I can only repent because You help me
Your grace gives me strength and opportunity
In grace You are patient with me
May I not take it lightly
But give You thanks
And live in continued obedience

my Rock

2006-12-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord
once upon a time
i saw Your standards were high
when I tried
I failed a thousand times
but I forgot Your love
and set Your grace aside

and slowly over time
my strength began to wane
i never truly
made Your love my Rock
and thus in my failure I waste away

Disheartened i rarely try anymore
Defeat has becomes the norm
and sin ruins my life...
Though I long for the days
when I sung Your praise
now in my shame
i can barely pray

So please help me to see the truth
that I can do nothing apart from You
and that as I try
to get it right
I bear fruit by Your Spirit
not by my own might
and that when I fail
I must not despair
For You love me and gave Yourself for me
the Cross shows You care

Finally Lord I ask
that You would be my Strength
that You'd encourage me
and lift me up again
and I want You as my Rock
always beneath my feet
so that i'll rely forever on Your love
in spite of the struggle i'll meet

we love because He first Loved us (1 John 4:19 NIV)

2006-11-28T00:45:00.000-08:00

I want to be full of Your Grace
Sharing Your Love with everybody
Even my enemies

Would I overflow with kindness
Towards all You have made
And be freely forgiving
Even as Your have forgiven me
My many many sins

reflecting on what You're like

2006-11-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

I can only put my trust in You
You're the only worth while
the only One who lasts
In heaven I have none but you

So on earth I'll bear in mind
That You must be the centre of my life
And that evry acton of mine
Belongs to You - my will shall die

And for Your glory take
This life You have redeemed
Adn help be to show
so tht the world may know
Your mercy you gave to me

I'll share Your comfort
and Your love
as free as free can be
try and make it clear
to those who'll hear
that You love them
as You love me

And if anyone is weak
crippled in their sin
I'll let them know
You died for them and
yes You love them still

don't give up

2006-11-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we are so defeated by our sin
And the mountain as it stands
That we give up trying to be perfect
And strive for God in some areas
But grant concessions to ourselves in others

But God wants all we are
And He has promised not to leave us
If we do not leave Him
And to finish what He started in us
So let us forsake our sin

So let’s not be faint-hearted any more
But take hold of His grace
And be free to love the hurting
Forget your sinful self
and follow the Spirit in everything
Commit your way to your King
and trust Him always
For He is your Strength
Our only Everything

So to Him be the glory
Forever and ever

...though i am nothing...

2006-11-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord
I know I can stand on Your Promises
Your Word declares Your faithfulness
and I can trust in You

So would I not waver
And shake around
like a boat on the waves
But would I stand firm
And not be afraid
Cos though I am nothing
You are with me

the LORD alone

2006-11-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

I thank You God
the LORD my God, the LORD alone
I have none but You on earth
I have none but You in heaven

You have been my strength
all my days you teach me
Without You - where would I be

Thank You LORD

Cooking!

2006-10-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

YumYum - fajita chicken (without the wrap)

Penny wanted to see what cooking I've got up to, so here it is!!

- tasted good anyway

another poem

2006-10-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

I am tired Lord
At the end of this day
My zeal has run out
Yet Your grace is still here for me

I come and say sorry,
For my failings today
And m folly is not hidden from You either
But Would You Forgive
In Your mercy restore my strength
That I may glorify Your Name
And Shine for You

Prose

2006-10-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

One of my friends asked me recently if If I'd considered writing in prose. I told him I'd write a prose post 'specially for him. Here it is!!!

I've arrived at University to read Theology. The atmosphere is really fantastic. The system of the univeristy encourages students to realise their potential in many ways. It's a gift to be placed in such an academically focussed environment where one is spurred on by those surrounding them to make the most of the opportunities presented to them and to work as hard as they can.

Whilst intensive, there also seems to be a balance in all of this. Students are not encouraged only to excel academically but also to connect with the world of debating, sport, politics and indeed religion.

As a Christian the latter of these is what I cherish most. My faith has become to me the heart of who I am. My desire to achieve in life and love my neighbour and use my talents, all stems from what God has done in me: Bringing me to a place of recognition of a need for Him in my life, followed by encouragement to pursue and seek after Him in all I do.

So to conclude, this must be my aim at University - to live for God - and to cling to His grace and forgiveness when I fail. I'll make the most of the opportunities that comes my way and use my talents for His glory not mine. Where I end up I will commit to Him

looking forward

2006-09-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so consumed
With the wrong I’ve done
That I forget to look back
And remember Your grace
Your body broken for me
Your blood shed for me

So I remember now
Just what You have done
Paying my price on the cross
For me
Because You loved me

And Now I want
To commit again
To stay in Your Love
And remain as Your friend

So taking the grace You offer
I look to the life ahead
A life lived for You
Obeying Your Words
And loving You with my heart soul and mind

Get Up

2006-09-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

Would You help me once again
Get up once again
I fallen back down so many times
I must rely on Your Strength

You Merciful gaze
falls on me
And Your grace softens my heart
I trust in You again
for everything I rely on Your Love

Help me Lord
Help me Lord

getting it worng

2006-08-15T04:41:00.000-07:00

When I get it wrong
accusations pierce me through
Shame tempts me to loose heart

Yet Your love helps me hope
I remember Your grace again
That You set me free for freedom
And that I am not condemened

So I can smile again
And thank You my friend
Who gave Yourself for me
And Loves me

Help me to take hold
Of Your promise made to me
That I may know Your mercy
Though I'm undeserving
Every day of the week

closeness

2006-07-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

I want to sit
and spend time with You
Perhaps I'll hear Your speak
as in days gone by
God You are good
even when I turned away
I'm quite ashamed
But You still Father me
And inside I want to know You
Hear me Lord
Please

hold on

2006-07-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'll sit here in my room
And talk to You
And can enjoy Your fellowship
Because my debt has been paid
Oh thank You Lord

When I go in my room
and shut the door
You are still here with me
You hold me close
and none can snatch me away

I know You watch over my life
Watch my ways
and Keep me in Your will
I need You my God
You are coming soon
I want to be holy and blameless

I'll hold on to You
Keep my heart pure
Keep my ways true

I'll trust You my Loving God
My Jesus who intercedes for me
My strength always
Your Grace is enough for me

O LORD, God of our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Israel, keep this desire in the hearts of your people forever, and keep their hearts loyal to you.
1 Chronicles 29:18 (New International Version)

Coming back

2006-06-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

There's only one thing that can heal me
Your grace and nothing else
Why turn to anything else

Humble me Lord
for I have sinned
But I want to turn back to You
Would You be merciful to me
Though I don't deserve

Receive me graciously
and forgive me all my sins
That I may be joyful in You
And offer the fruit of my lips
And thank You Lord

I look to your arms held wide
The thorns
The lashes on Your back
You clothe me in righteousness that I did not earn
And bless me as Your son

Father in Heaven
Thank You that You Are who You Are
I will trust in Your Love

Thank You

2006-05-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

To know Your grace at the end of the day
That you forgive me for where I have stumbled
And You Love me just the same

I'm sorry for where I've sinned
Those things I've thought said and done
Thank You for Your Strength to turn around
To get up tommorrow
And live to fight once again

Thank You for the knowledge of Your love
It comforts me when I fear
That You are with me and will not forsake me
Thank You that You care

Thank Your for understanding
You know my thoughts through and through
But could I take Your hand
In Your promises stand
Though I am so confused

for hurting hearts

2006-05-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

I don't deserve
to see Your face
to enjoy Your presence
to run this race

However,
You offer love
and forgiveness to my heart
I am nothing
but I accept
and You have poured out Your love again
Thank You so much for Your loving me

You're the best

a prayer

2006-05-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

If You Love me, then I can go on
I know You Love me, so I can get up and walk

Thank You my Friend
Thank You
May I live for You
And not for the world
Not for me anymore

...

2006-02-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

God,
I'm not very wise
neither tactful
I don't always treat people right
and I'm not that bright
at doing life

But I know You give wisdom
to those who ask
who ask and do not doubt;

That instead of having envy
and selfish ambition
when it comes to doing life,
I would be peaceloving and considerate
submissive,
full of mercy and good fruit
being impartial and sincere

Yor guidance helps me to live
like how I am supposed to
Thank You for being a good teacher

You're Great Lord!!
:)

Dear Lord

2006-02-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord,
Help me to see Your Grace
At those times I really need
Help me to trust
And know Your unfailing Love
Every day of the week

[dedicated to Nikki :) ]

honour to God

2006-02-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

I should acknowldge You in my life
before men and angels alike
Acknowledge You in my word
Yet in my actions too

For You are my Saviour
My Friend
The Rock of my life...

I should honour You
in the way that I live
and tell my friends of the love that You give
Demonstrating Your work in me
that maybe they might
also see;
how Wonderful You Are

For You took pity
and welcomed me
washed me clean
and made me new
showed me life
and told me the truth
You showed me the way
to live my life
and You are the Way
to my Father in heaven

something about Neil

2006-01-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

Neil died round about two weeks ago now.
I wanted to post to tell you about one time when he said something really great to me.
It was at one of the prayer evenings we had for him. At the end I talked with him for a min or two. He asked me how I was doing and showed concern for me even though he was the one so heavily burdened. I remember that as an example of trying to live as God would want us to... looking out for others and loving eachother as Jesus loved us.

Now he's with our Father God in heaven

poem

2006-01-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

When I'm depressed
I sit at Your feet
with my head to the ground
Yet You show mercy
to me the undeserivng
and forgive me for my terrible sin

Now I am made clean
by Your Mercy
I look to You
what can I say -
Thank You Jesus
for being who You are

I need You
And I need to live for You
I am free to do so

It's a new year

2006-01-01T14:52:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone
I hope you all have had a good Christmas time and new year. Thank You for your comments on my last post. I'm back from skiing (and in one piece), it was very enjoyable and the scenery was great. As I skied, I thought about how amazing it was that I was enjoying skiing on a mountain that God had crafted Himself. I am glad to be back though. I have missed church and hope to be there next Sunday. It has been a really good opportunity over Christmas time to do some Bible reading also. Scripture really helps in making the right choices when it comes to decision making. Hopefuly I'll be consistant in having some good Bible time regularly through the new year and beyond.

Hope to post again soon

Oh Yeah Also!!!
I just wanted to give a shout to Nikki Winnal - if you still read my blog
justed thought I'd tell you I was thinking of you recently and hope you are doing alright
God Bless
:)

Christmas Time

2005-12-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

hello fellow bloggers
It's Christmas time again. I broke up from school today and will be glad to not have any pressure to work for a while. Having said that, I have mock exams in February so I do need to do some significant revsion over Christmas. I also have an art project which I seriously need to get on with as well and have been putting off for far too long. Generally I need to apply myself much more than I have been recently.

Usually when I tell people that they smile and think that I am too hard on myself... but inside I know that that just isn't true. Whilst creating the impression of being a hard working individual, I play host to a seriously lazy attitude which i need to address in a sustained way. On occasion I really deal with it (like when I have exams in a couple of weeks) but afterwards I slip back into a cycle of laziness. That's not the way i should be as a Christian. I should maintain what I have worked towards instead of letting standards slip.

Philippians 3:16 (New International Version)
"Only let us live up to what we have already attained"

So onward I need to go, pressing on towards the goal and not becoming overly discouraged if I do slip up. That's what I really need to work at, being strong in God's grace so I don't give up the minute I step out of line and sin. I need to be persevering in walking with God.

Anyway, I'm off skiing on Friday with my family which should be great, I just need to keep up the revising at the same time.
See you after Christmas everyone

I belong to the LORD

2005-12-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

I belong to the LORD
He is my Refuge
I call to Him
In my time of distress
And He Saves me

I say
"I have nothing else to cling on to.
To whom else shall I go?
You Have the Words of Eternal Life
So I will put my trust in You"

You then graciously Save me
In Your great Mercy Welcome me
that I may enter Your rest
And I understand that You Love me

God...
You're an Amazing God
And the Only True God
You Are most Worthy of Praise
Your Love is Unfailing
You're the Rock I can trust in

What will they think

2005-11-24T04:58:00.000-08:00

When I'm afraid of standing out and being different
What will they say or think
How will they judge me
Will I fit in

...Do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God...
Deuteronomy 1:17

It is how God sees me that counts
What HE thinks and says
The judgments HE pronounces
HE Lives
HE sees me
HE is my Refuge
my Friend when I'm laughed at

The Good News

2005-10-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Good News
That’s Your message

You sent Your one and only Son
Who was Holy and blameless
He was the One Truth, and the One Way
He was the Life
And Reconciled us to You

Your Gospel;
A message that we’re forgiven
And our debt has been fully paid
I’m favoured by You
And You’re not angry with me

Now I’m really free
To live that dream
Of walking in Your Ways

I’ll remember Your Promise
And not cling to the past
I’ll pick up my mat and walk
And leap for Joy
“Thanks be to God for what You've Done for me!!!”

When I stumble and the past bars its teeth
I’ll remember I’m free to Live the Dream
And I’ll look to You
And trust in Your Grace
Humbled I move on
holding Your Hand tight

Cos I need You
And You’re coming soon
My life is short
I wanna make it count

I’ll cling Your Words
And try and pray to You all the time
From when I wake to when I sleep
Would You be my only Goal
And my Strength to carry on

Let’s bear Your Fruit
For God is for me and not against me*
You have given me peace
I know I’m Loved by You
I’m Your Child, and I’ll smile up at You My Father

Jesus...

The One I look to

The LORD is Salvation

Romans 8:31 (New International Version)

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Something

2005-09-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

It's not enough
to claim to repent
God wants obediance
not lies

If i was really sorry
I would get my act together

If I'm set free from sin
Then why do I flirt with it
like a wayward wife

I need to take control
of my act and my tongue
be slow to speak
live like Your Son

I need to carry my cross
EACH DAY !!!
and go that extra mile
to live for You and
serve You gladly with a smile

I ought to have more than good intentions
I need to bear fruit
good fruit

...

I have sat here discouraged long enough
I need to get up and walk
and obey Your word

I'll trust in Your Love
that never fails
and clothe myself in Christ's attitude
and refute the accusations brought against me
for forgiven sin

I've been wasshed in Your Blood
Now I live for You
I'll strain on forward
and forget the past
Your Love... Your Grace is enough

Set my eyes on the prize
look into Your eyes
and Live what is my heart's desire
to know You more

hey everyone

2005-09-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

hey I haven't posted in a while
I hope in future to be a bit quieter on blogger
I've begun to use/abuse it as a way of attention seeking

On blogger I've been overly talkative which is not how God wants be to be

Proverbs 10:19 (New International Version)
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise

You enetred in

2005-08-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

You entered in
And told me You Loved me
Showed me a different way

I opened up
Like a flower
and You saw me
All my vulnerabilities
All my needs

I'll sit or kneel
And listen for You
I wait
I'm burning for You

Daddy
I'll wonder after You

just something

2005-08-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

You came and saved me
Wiping away all the junk
I was changed from that moment
New outlook
and a Friend to be with me always

Laws You wrote
on the tablet of this heart
I'll find my name
on Your hands
I'm humbled
You gave Your Spirit to live inside of me

Your Spirit is my Counselor
Helping me
You made me free
I'm growing to know You
So much to learn

I Hunger for You so bad
I'll stay up all night to be with You
I want to get rid of my idols
So I won't be distracted from You
The Only One I can live for

I ask for Your Joy to come back to me
this heart beats for You
I need Your love
and Your affirmation
I want to hold Your hand
That I might have strength to carry on

I want to smile again
My Faithful Friend
But If I have to cry
Keep me burning inside
Though I want to fly
I'll crawl in the valley

Thank You for giving me discipline
But as for My heart
I depend on You to change me
In everything I look to You

Jesus, Jesus
All I am looks to You
Hopes, dreams
Take care of me

I love You

What God Did to me...

2005-08-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

Thank You for Your Promises
You have given me Promises so I can trust in them
So that I may know my standing with You is Secure
My Hopes are set On Your Word
Thank You so much Your Word will never fail

When I was guilty, and unable to have a relationship with You
You Sent Your One and Only Son
to Remove all my guilt and shame
Humbled, I look to You now
You are my Lifeline
You showed me such grace

Your promise tells me that when I confess my sins
That you are faithful
and Forgive me them completely
and then Purify me from all Unrighteousness
I really can trust You in this
Faithful Faithful God

Then You Gave Your Spirit
and Poured Your Love over me
So I knew I was Your child
And I was comforted in You
You Gave me the Faith to Believe You

You Spirit shows me of my sin
And makes me see Your Righteousness
You Provide me with Strength to do Your will
And You make my heart burn for You
This new heart of flesh You Gave me

Teacher

2005-08-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

The Lord challenges me on all sides
testing my character
or lack of

My teacher
I couldn't pray
You helped meGiving me a model to pray by
and Giving an example of how to be a holy living sacrifice to God
I need to learn to go that extra mile
and to do so with a smile
to put others first.

i want my heart to be true
my secret motives to Glorify God
but deep inside, i feel like I put myself at the centre
seeking praise and affirmation
but man's praise is so empty
so are his words

I want to be real and honest
a true reflection of God's character
marked with integrity
I want to trash my selish ambition
and rotten attitudes
leaving them forever at the foot of the cross

I want to start now
embarking on eternity
living out the Righteousness
that God gave me
such precious Righteousness
Jesus my precious security

When unsure of my standing
I will take Your hand
and courageously trust in Your Love
And rest in Your Promise

I want to quit winging
about how hard the Christian life seems
But I'll be glad to share in Your suffering
You're the One who died for me

Thank You for sharing
such heartfelt intimacy
that You would be my Friend
My God
You Guide me

I'm so glad You'll never go away
You always Reign
In times of deparation
I realise, You are my Only Hope
"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
John 6:68(New International Version)

mountain top view

2005-08-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

I used this for something else
but I thought I'd put it on my blog as well

thinking of those times when you reflect on God... and how He has Carried you in life
thinking of standing on the mountain top musing over where God has Taken you...
my heart marvels gently, peaacefully, quietly
and a gentle smiles breaks on my face...
as my heart gives thanks for the intimacy You bless me with

Thank You Lord for such times,
on that mountain top breathing Your fresh air,
and reflecting on the Journey
You have Walked with me on.
I ask for clear vision to see that view,
and Thank You for Your Presence that Guides my thoughts so I can wonder at what You have done and the miracles You are delicately articulating in my life.

You're always so Good... My King
Who Walks with me always

God bless, n' lots of love
: )

recently

2005-07-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hey guys and girls,
The biology trip went well. We were looking at things that live by the sea shore - both plants and animals (like shells).
There was some really great weather as well - thanks to God for the sunshine.
Ecclesiastes 11:7
Light is sweet,
and it pleases the eyes to see the sun.
(New International Version)

...I like Ecclesiaties, it's such a great book, as with all the others in the Bible.
Sometimes I get really het up over things, then I open this Bible the LORD has given me, and find His Word balancing me and calming me.
He lifts my head when I get down

back from biology trip

2005-07-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

just though I'd say I've been back now for a little while
and I've got somethings on my mind I'd like to write about
but I'll leave them a while first
until such time as God helps me articulate them in a helpful way

A poem about how God disciplines and refines us

2005-06-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

You are such a Personal God
You reveal to me Who You are
I have cracked before Your shocking Love
and broken into tears before You

You have taught me You are faithful
You have worked wonders and fulfilled dreams
that I was powerless to do myself

You have reminded me of Your forgiveness and grace
when I hated myself for my sin
and You have cherished me as a Son
How Great is Your Love
that reaches on High
and Yet to the depths of who I am
that You have crowned me as YOUR child

Yet this is also true
You make Yourself Known
Every facet of Your character
Your Word brings terror
and teaches me that to You respect and obediance are due...

I am learning...You are no pushover
Instead You are fearsome
Oh You know how to terrify me
so my whole being is quickned with fright
You teach me that You are God
Awesome, above all power
and to be greatly feared

Psalm 90:11
Who knows the power of your anger? For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.
(New International version)

Your power is without limit
and Your Soverignity dictates
The LORD does what He pleases
and His Power extends beyond the grave
He could send me into hell with a word...

Psalm 90:3
You turn men back to dust, saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men."
(New International version)

Yet You choose to be so gracious
You are patient and compassionate
Very great kindness You have poured over us
Preserving our lives
and Leading us to walk in Your steps
Correcting our hearts
Making us like You
So great is Your Love

So may we take heed of these things
And not forget Your kindness
May we be thankful for Your grace
and Live each day for You
Thank You for the strength You have given
So that we may be free from sin
And live to serve and obey Your Voice
And kneel before You
facedown in worship
before Your Majesty

Psalm90:12
Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
(New International version)

Above me You are exalted in perfect and trembling Majesty
Below I hang my head to the ground
and I abhor my sin

There comes a time
when You deal with me severely
and mold me with Your powerful hand
such that despite my tears I cannot resist
I am forced under Your rule
You tear the wickedness from me
And rebuke me for my sin
Yet this is because You care
And want me to be honouring to You
Thank Your LORD

2 Corinthians 13:2-4
I already gave you a warning when I was with you the second time. I now repeat it while absent: On my return I will not spare those who sinned earlier or any of the others, since you are demanding proof that Christ is speaking through me. He is not weak in dealing with you, but is powerful among you. For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him to serve you.
(New International version)

When You chastise me
You overcome me
and fight with terrifing power aganst my rebellion
Although it hurts so bad
I thank You for it
Destroy my rebellion
It is my enemy
My oppressor
Fight against it LORD
with Your mighty hand

and teach me to Respect and Fear You for it
Thank You that You are not weak in dealing with me
You are God

10 things I love

2005-05-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

Guess what...?
I've been "Tagged"
this is a new thing to me, but it's something that's been going round the blogs, whoever's tagged has to write about 10 things they love
- thanks to Lilaidi for tagging me, : )
Check out who I've tagged at the bottom of this post!!!!

Here's ten things I love...

To be in a place where I feel at rest and content in God, where I'm quietly joyful, smiling inside, becuase I know He accepts me...even me!!! as His own son, and I know He loves me and cherishes me as such.

I love to know that God is pleased with me for something I have done. It's just I have a habit of taking this too far, developing an attitude where I refuse to accept that God is pleased withme unless I have done something deserving. At the end of the day I can't please Him without faith... not that my deeds don't please Him, but they only do when they are acts of devotion out of love for Him, knowing that He already favours me.
The good I try and do goes nowhere in terms of Saving me, it's only a mark of God's Work in me to change me and make me a witness to the world of how amazing He is.
:)

To feel that God delights in me and smiles watching me. God is so lovely, sometimes in the midst of the day, I just get reminded that He has been watching me and watching my heart, that He understands where I am at and that He is smiling over me... which is reall cool

To have a really good conversation with someone about Jesus and for them to see that He really loves them. This always brightens up my day, and makes me smile.

When God encourages me when I've been feeling low. I love it when I've been feeling real rubbish, and when God breaks my silence and brings me words of love, reassurance and encouragement. I am so silly with this one though...sometimes I deliberately allow myself to get depressed or find a reason to be angry at myself just so that God can come and rescue me once more. I'm such an attention seeking, affirmation seeking little kid that needs to grow up sometimes. THAT'S A REALLY BIG - "I NEED TO GROW UP"

I love to share the encouragement and comfort that Gof has brought me with someone else who is hurting or feeling lonely, and to be with them as they get a smile back on their face and know they are loved.

To be used to reach out to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I love it when somone empathises with me (that's me being an attention seekier again)

To cry before God about something (yup I'm a real emotionalist)

To feel I've achieved something (I'm not sure if this one is so healthy!!)

Well well well...
that was interesting. I think I'm quite insecure really. I've been thinking about that for the last day or so. I'm so dependant on knowing I've been a success somehow.
I'm a bit concerned really, because I want my faith in God to be strong enough that I don't go searching for affrimation or acceptance because I am secure and rested in the knowldge that God has blessed me with these.
I want to be strong in Grace and rooted in Love, so that I can be steadfast and perseverng in my walk with God

Time and again I see how quickly I loose trust in God's acceptance of me and love for me. So I turn back to legalism that I can never fulfil until I feel rubbish again.
Then God comes and sits with me,
takes me by the hand,
and gently,
in trust
He helps me to by feet,
encourages me
and sends me out once more to live for Him.

The cycle goes on and on, and I wonder If I'll ever grow up and just get on with life instead of worrying about where I stand with God all the time.
The thing is (and I noticed this today) when I decide to trash my legaalsitic side, I leave behind any sense of healthy discipline also. So soon enough I'm not meeting priorities (like doing my revision) and I get concerned about it.
Over time I'll get more and more upset with myself for not meeting priorities until I reach a point where I really hate myself over it. So I get really angry, and slam back into legalism to try and force myself to live appropriately. I feel I've displeased God by not working hard at school or whatever, and so I try (hopelessly) to redeem myself by imagining that God is commanding me... like an army officer, and that I have to obey every single last order in order to be on okay terms with Him.

Then at some point, God actually speaks. When that happens it's like recognising the voice of a beloved friend, who you are pleased to see and treasure beyond anything or anyone else.
He is loving and understanding, although firm...
I feel broken inside and so silly, yet knowing that God cares for me regardless - which only make me want to cry. All I can think is how Wonderful God is. Then I want to write poetry about God and His encouragement and Counsel.

I want then to share that with the whole world. And for them to really knoww that God is intersted in them - who they are as a person.
That God understands who they are inside and He made them for a purpose.
He knows how you work and how you think
He knows what you enjoy and what you hate
He came to earth, The KING of all creaton, came to this earth...
was spat on and wipped
and insulted and mocked
by His own creations who so arrogantly despised Him

He didn't retaliate, but loved them deeply
He had come to save His people whom He had made
and to wash them clean from all their sin that had ruined them
and make them new
and give them real life...

And He paid the price for you with His own blood
Because He loved you then 2000 years ago
and the same Jesus still cares about you now

This is the God that I am in love with
Anything good you see in me
any commitment
any kindness
any sacrifice
any desire to know God

is all birthed from Him
it is Him living in me and through me
Who Works in me to will and act according to His good purpose (as the Scripture says in Philippians 2:13 [New International Version])

wow that's been a long post

I Tag

LUKE
NIKKI
SARAH BRAY

Stilled in Counsel (to be read slowly)

2005-05-29T22:58:00.000-07:00

How many times I have come to You
So angry
So frustrated

In You is stillness

You understand
Compassionate, Yet Balanced
You Bring a Word in Season
Instructing me
Gently and in Wisdom
Teaching me something important
Restoring my balance
And guiding me firmly

In my despair
You watched with a Wise Compassionate heart
You understand with strength
and Counsel with Wisdom and Firmness
over time

You teach me what is really Important
And instruct me in the right way to go
"This is the Way you are to live"

Yet You Love me with a Sincere love
that Protects and lasts
and You don't forget me
And You teach me not to forget others either
You mature me and chastise me
You rebuke me and refine me
Making me like how I am supposed to be

Thank You for Fathering me
And treating me as a son
And teaching me to Fear You
Thank You for Your Daily Bread
Staple and balanced
You are Genuine and real
When the music Fades
You never leave

When Your Presence falls
I have been stilled
and contented

This is what The Soverign LORD, the Holy One of Israel says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, In quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.
Isaiah 30:15
New International Version

Thank You Jesus

exams

2005-05-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone
wow, it's been so long without a post

Anyway, I'm on study leave for my exams at the moment, so although revising, I will have some extra time to post. I bursting with things to share.
A friend asked me to put the dates of my exams up on the blog, so people can pray,
So here they are:

Friday 20th May - Chemistry Practical
Monday 6th June - Biology
Wednesday 8th June - Chemistry
Friday 10th June - Physics
Tuesday 14th June - Key Skills

I really appreciate people praying, it means so much, and reminds me of God's amazing gift of of His family and the love they share. So thanks loads to anyone praying - don't forget to pray for Luke's exams as well. I think Ashley has exams also, but I don't think he has a blog.

I just thought I'd say, If you've got loads of stuff on your mind and to pray for, then don't worry too much about adding this one to your list of prayer requests...
I know it seems like a silly thing to say, but I think it's important to know that God had placed specific people on our hearts to pray for, and we can't pray for everyone. So don't worry about it
: )
God Bless to everyone
Love you loaaads and loaaads
Hope you're having ok weeks as well

"Do not be afraid, little flock...*
God knows your hearts
and your dreams...
He knows you deeper than you know
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. **

*Luke 12:32 (New International Version)
**Matthew 11:28 (NewInternational Version)

Thank You

2005-04-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

Thank You for Your acceptance
loving reassurance
Your gentle hand on my shoulder
and the words of Love You speak

Your Words more than follow me
they surround me as I walk
and Your joy burns gently inside me
I smile because I know I am loved by You
Thank You for having compassion on me
I fall to my knees

When I fret
You are the One Who, gently soothes

I sit and wonder
I think about how special You are
how precious You are
My life giver
and One Who makes my life special

You change my desires
and impress on my heart
You make me broken for people
and You have given me a heart for your work
I've never had this before...

I cry over things
Because of You

then You send me out
yet You are still with me as I go
to tell of the wonders of your love
and to encourage the weak
and love and comfort those who feel alone
to bind broken hearts
bring joy to the joyless
to bring out smiles for You
to restore people who've been broken

I want people to be hungry for You
and that they would see what You have done to me
and look to You
I want to share the love You have showed to me
so I can be a blessing

You are such a beautiful wonderful God
the gentle cherisher of my heart
Who knows what is best
Who is very wise
and Who is very patient

Thank You Jesus for everything You did
and for all You are doing
and for what You will do

When I glimpse You
I cry
tears fall
through the blurr
I see incredible love
And my heart quivers inside
Oh that the world could see

Such Holiness

a little prayer

2005-04-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

I want to seek You
and get things right
I don't want to be discouraged in the fight
Thank You for Your grace when I stumble
Thank You for Your family who are so loving

Thank You for Your strength
to help me in this fight
the fight to live for You
and shine for You

I want to hold my tongue
and love people, even when it hurts
I want to loose my life
and serve You and others
I want You to be the centre
not me
I want You to be pleased with me

I look to You
I look to You

Dusty days

2005-04-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone
hows' life for all of you?
I'm not sure what to write today at all
I want to write a poem, but I'm not feeling that poetic.
lol
who knows...
I'm thinking at the moment about the phases and seasons we all go through in our walk with God.
Each one presenting it's own lessons to be learnt.
Though sometimes, like today, I don't feel like I'm really going anywhere. Today has felt like just a day in itself, without any real direction or breakthrough.
What is supposed to be happening?

Dusty days
the atmosphere stays still
my mind inside always looking for the next step
Where am I travelling?
What next will I learn about You God?

Here things feel dry
I feel I should be achieving something
or making an impact
but I'm stuck in the desert
far away from any horizon
stuck with myself

So I sit here
Picking at my faults
And think they are the reason why I feel so null
I get absorbed in my present state
Forgetting about Your purpose and Your plan

All I feel is where I am now
I'm frustated and annoyed
I question myself
Why can't I love people more?
Why am I so argumentative?
Why am I so lazy?
Why am I not enthusiastic now?
Where is my drive?
My passion?

I want to flow like a river
A strong river for You
But I sit here in the sand

Time passes
Inside my stirring thoughts wear themselves out
and I am wearied
Weak from my questions

Then in silent love
You help me look up
And then I see
All this while You are the same God
You've been watching over
As I've worked myself up over so many things

I wonder at Your thoughts
What are they?
I've been seeking inspiration
and energy
but sometimes I've looked to myself
I been wanting hear Your voice
But I've been so lost in my own thoughts
Where is the poetry, the vibrance?
I want to blossom for You

...But... I know You are there anyway...
King of Peace
And I know I am always in Your heart

Even though I can't always feel it
I know Your beauty shines
And Your love thrives
Your are alive despite the dryness
Delightful beauty
You are Teeming with Life and Light
I'm delighted in Who You are
Your wisdom prevails and lasts always

All of these blong to You

Holy Majesty

No matter what noise gets in the way
When it fades,
When my thoughts fade
You are still true

In this dryness
I can still rejoice in You
Because You are God anyway
And You always regin
From Heaven above with Absolute Power

May Your Kingdom come
...however I feel
May Your will be done
You great and faithful planner of my days
And of the days of the whole Earth

My eyes may not be lighted to Your purpose
But Your purpose still stands
And is surer than the rising of the Sun

Your do not forget the scheme of things LORD
And Your know what will come to fruition
You know when we'll break camp
And when we'll walk into the promised land.

My feelings do not always reflect the future
But Your Words command everything
The future is Yours

So I will not fret with these moments
when nothing seems to happen
Because You are the Alpha and the Omega
Meaning is Yours
My feelings are temporary
Your are Eternal
In You I will rest

God of all seasons
Thank You God
Awesome God

These thoughts...

2005-03-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry I havn't posted in so long everyone
things have been so busy
with school work and stuff

I hope things are going well for everyone.
I'm really struggling with what to write today
I want to write about something I struggle with
Something I cannot understand and cannot fight
But something which God never-the-less delivers me from

I get these thoughts all the time in my head
thoughts that command obediance
but I'm unsure if it really is God.
Thoughts that condemn unless I can find a Biblical basis for not obeying them
Thoughts that try and dictate eveything...
from the shirt I choose in the morning, to what I eat for lunch
To anyone reading - I don't know if anyone really understands this.
But I struggle with it all the time
I am rubbish at explaining it
and what I have written may not flow easily
and it might sound pretty messy.
Anyway, this is it

This is the pattern
This is my cycle

I walk, happy
gentle smiles
quiet joy
no anxiety, no worry

Then suddenly
A thought cries out in my head
who is this from I ask?
is this You God?
or is this the voice of legalism?

I cannot tell
I'm confused
I'm worried
I have been here before
but I have been caught out again

I obey the thought
I obey again and again
not knowing the speaker
the command becomes burdensome
Then I break away
I choose my own will instead
Yet I am not sure if or if not it was God who spoke
so I feel guilty
This is sin, because my action was not from faith

This is guilt
you smash me up
you steal my joy
you rip me apart
you entangle me and bring me down
you rob my zeal

you leave me crippled
discouraged
silenced
face in the mud

where has the enthusism gone?
I am weak, poor in spirit
I feel worthless
How can I do anything for God
I mess up everything I touch

Here I feel like a cripple, lying on my face

...

Then in my silence
You speak...
My Father, Daddy, God
Saviour, Lover...
You break my confused mess with Love and Truth

"I don't want you to be a cripple any more...
Get up and walk"

Thank You LORD that You want me to live
that You love me enough to heal me
Thank You for these words

How you understand me
Awesome are You
Author of Restoration
Author of my peace

Although my sickness confuses me
I cannot contend with legalism
But there is One who can

His Name is the LORD God Almighty
He is Wise, Faithful and True
He is unfoolable
He is Truth and speaks Truth
You understand me and my enemy
By Your truth You deliver me

Please make Your words part of me
Embed Your Truth in me
Now I want to hold to You tighter than anything in the world
Take me LORD
You are my Hope
my Vision
my Everything

Saviour, I know very little
but I know this
You are the one I look to when I cannot see anything
I do not understand this
But You always come through

You are my God

Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
(New International Version)

The LORD my Counselor

2005-03-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,
I would try and write more conventional post this week... but I'm enjoying writing poetry far too much. Thank You LORD for poetry.
I love how God gives us so many ways of worshipping Him and expressing ourselves. Yet sometimes it is really hard to express what we're feeling inside...
that can last for ages and it does hurt sometimes
but then God has a way of helping me let it all out to Him.

Sometimes that happens in prayer
sometimes in Church in worship
sometimes I just cry
or just smile
I've been thinking about expressing worship through painting as well recently
Now God's opened my eyes to the beauty of poetry.

Here's what I feel when I get home some days
on those days wher nothing much seems to happen
when things seem a bit motionless
The conversation between my heart and God's
(this goes on fairly long again)...

So here I am LORD
I come home from that world
that world - out there
It feels so sharp, so harsh at times
Maybe it's because it's a fallen world
or maybe...
it's me
weak and sinful me.

What am I to think...?

Well I havn't been perfect today LORD
I sinned there... and there as well
Thanks for loving me anyway
You're so good.

So I'm coming to You again, at the end of the day
I don't have any big thoughts today
nothing jumps out of my heart at the moement
I don't feel very inspired

Infact I feel a little weary, maybe a bit deadened.
Sin hurts God.. It hurts us both
Also when I loose vision of You - it feels really easy to do that
So I turn to You
... My Daily Bread
to keep me going
Thanks for being here for me when I get home
You the person I can always talk to
Thanks that I can trust in Your Salvation
Thank You for being my friend

You are so much more faithful than anything I know

As I sit here...
on my bed
or kneel on my knees
I forget the meaningless
and You fill my thoughts.

You capture me God
In that quiet place
You and me
You are like love all around me now
I'm like a kid in Your arms
Surrounded in Your sea of love

More than surrounded
but covered
more than covered
I feel complete in You
I want to dissolve in the flood of Love you give
Your love feels warm around me
not physical
It is deeper...
Your loves causes something deep inside

My heart responds
I am filled with words
I talk to you
I pray
I tell You what You have planted inside me

I know you smile and brim with love
As I pour myself out to You
Oh You God, My Maker
Maker of All things.

Wonderful Counselor
You help me connect when I can't
You speak Words to me to love me.
When I find it hard to be concious of You
You sometimes flood me like this
You are always the one who paves the way

You help me pray
You carry me

The same way it has always been
Right from the start
I couldn't find You
So You came to me
You showed me light and invited me in
You payed the price I couldn't
You work the wonders I can't
And share Your heart with me

You are true to Your word God

1 Corinthians 6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
(NewInternational Version)

You are so close here God
You are the author of creativity
and the author of expression
You are the author of my prayers sometimes God
The author of my hearts response

Wonderful Counselor
Noone like You
Not above
Not below
Only You know me LORD

You know these thoughts
these hurts
this quietness
this silence
...also this noise
this loud sound
this aching passion.

You know me in completeness
You are able to speak to me like noone else can
Able to truly comfort and restore

Your words are more than thoughts or sounds
they really are alive
They build me
and at the same time - soften me

...

As I sit here You lsiten once agin
You speak
You counsel me
You are my resting place
I can fall on You when I am tired
Thank You LORD
You are with me

I've got homework now
Another chance to worship You
Aaaragh, that hurts
I don't want to be lazy
I afraid I won't give myself completely to You
But Your grace will help me through

You are God
I love You God
Here I go
Work time...

The Word that makes things clear again...

2005-02-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

This week I've been on half term (a one week mid term holiday)
Amongst relaxing and doing a bit of revision,
I've also been able to spend some really quality time reading the Bible.

Back a while... when God helped me see how important my school work and study was, I made alot of changes to where I spend my time. That's been really good but I still have a bit of work to do. One of the things being I've not got any set time for serious Bible reading.

Spending quality time in the Word has kind of become a "once in a while" issue. So I've got a little more unstable I guess, emotionally.
I've had a lot more ups and downs because my vision of where I stand with God has become more clouded in my own mind.
But God has used His Word over this half term to re-establish faith in me. To encourage and edify me.

So I've written this thing - bit like a psalm
It's seriously long - but hey - you don't need to read it all...

This is what Your Words are to me God...
They are what I crave when I waver, when I'm weak
They are the confidence I need
Steadiness birthed from faith
From the faith in You that comes from hearing Your Words
Your absolute Words that clarify...

They bring light to me
Life to me
Comfort and hope to me
Love to me.
Your Word is powerful.

You God, can arrest my swimming mind...
and take contol
You sort and sift my anxious thoughts.
They cannot resist Your grip
Givng me truth, understanding and peace
You decifer right from wrong
You bring definition and exactness

God I need Your absolute Word
I crave true revelation of You
It is bread to me
without knowledge of You, of who You are, of the love You share
I feel I will fall apart

...Without Your light I fumble in the dark
I cannot find You with my own thoughts
I cannot understand You on my own -
I hang on
hinge on
what You say

About You...
I want to know You in the now
More than that...I want to grow in You
I want consistancy - to walk with You LORD
You are always right
Always true
Always You
Yesterday and Today You are the same
Tommorrow You are already there, my constant
My Redemer lives and He is forever
Who can take Him away...?

Although I do not fully understand You yet...
You understand me LORD.
You hear my silent thoughts - even when I am too hurting to pray aloud.

When I don't speak You hear me
You hug me and You speak to me when I am angry with myelf.
You tell me You love me when I doubt You
You bring faith to life in me.

Authorship...
You are my author
You create life in me
You plant love in me for You
Whenever things get tough and I am brought down to basics
Then I see that You are the only one,
The only one who I can rely on

You are beautiful
You make my heart yearn after you
Like David I thirst for You, but...
I want to express that and live it out.

I want to be true to You always
I hate being imperfect...
so why do I follow imperfection at times..?
I want to be a worshipper

Althouth it's hard to see how I will get better
Although it can feel that I am consistantly sinful
Although I feel I will never improve...
Your love is greater and stronger!!!

This is what Your word says...
Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
(New International Version)

But I know that You have done work in my life LORD
things have got better
You have been with me...

Thank You for starting something in me God
Thank You that You will carry it on to completion
Unitl that day when You come to get me LORD
I believe that You will come and get me one day
Even when it feels I am not good enough
I want to trust You still
Because You Jesus, have paid my debt and made me acceptable to God

Thank You Jesus
I need God's Words to hold onto
The Bible says this of You

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
(New International Version)

You are the Word
The perfect revalation of who God is
Thanks for being there - full of grace and truth

Devotion...

2005-02-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

As a Christian what do I want to be...?
completely sold out
consistantly obediant
willingly obediant
devoted to serving God
How hard it is to live a life that is as beautiful as that.
Only Jesus captured that perfectly. He managed to live that life where we couldn't because of sin. He followed God's will over His own right to the cross where He took my sins onto Himself so I could know God. God must have such a massive heart for people to be willing to do that for us.

Now as a Christian, trusting in what Jesus did, I am called to clothe myself with Christ, and be His ambassodor to a largely lost world.
But sometimes I worry, how am I going to be able to emulate Jesus's devotion and commitment. It's something in my heart that I want to attain but is so hard at times. I want to be beautiful for God just like Jesus was.

Psalm 22 reveals something to me here...
Psalm 22 is prophetic of Jesus's crucifixion. Jesus's voice rings through the verses - it is a prayer to God capturing the heart of what was happening on the cross as Jesus hung there. As Jesus took the sins of the whole world onto Himself, He is spearted from God His Father because of them.

(verse 1) My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
(New International Version)

Jesus is confused and feeling alone - feeling the pain that sin causes
The whole Psalm echoes what He is feeling and going through. It becomes so clear of just how vunerable and helpess and scared Jesus feeling without God.
Then in verse 10, He says this

From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.
(New International Version)

that phrase "cast upon you" is what grabs me
It paints a picture of absolute dependancy on God.
Jesus was like a baby dependant on God His Father for every last breath.
Every inner need for love, for strength, for affection had to be met by God. Without God, Jesus life ebbed - He was exposed confused and bewildered.

Here we get a glimpse of the depth and sincerity in Jesus relationship with God.
God was His life - His all.
I think this is what created such devotion in Jesus
At the centre of His devotion.... was dependancy

So in my life
The centre of my devotion myst be depndancy, of the same depth.
Obediance to God comes from depndancy of His love and strength.
Dependancy implies faith
So I need to learn to trust God and His words - and Hold to to them as holy above anything else.
God first... me not

God help me be aware of You always
I want to be depndant on You
I want to know You more
I want to know Your heart
I want to be cast upon You - unable to function without You

from forgiveness to compassion...

2005-02-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

Hello to everyone once again

Just a short post today - sorry it's so late :p

Over the year and a bit since I became a Christian, since God grabbed a hold of me to be His child - I've had so many times when I've messed up and stuff. But God has always been there perfecting me and growing me.

Not only to be a better person, but also to know more of His love and forgiveness.
Whenever I get things wrong, it seems that every time God roots grace even deeper in me. Over time I've learn't so much more about how deep His love goes and about the intense compassion He has on me. I learn that there are many many areas where I am too weak to help myself or to see my God birthed aspirations come to life. God also roots in me a dependancy on Him - just like a baby is so completely helpless on it's own - so I am without God.

Through all of this I feel broken even more inside for other people. More than ever before I feel compassion for them where they are.
The other day I realised that what I want to impart to them... is only what God has shared with me. If I was to capture that it would be like this.

I would want to find someone who feels and thinks they are a complete loser. Someone who feels a failure, a reject, and looked down upon. Somene who's downtrodden and depressed.
- I'd get them and give them a massive hug

That's what I feel like God has done with me. And I want to let someone else know that God loves them in them same way.
I only feel so powerless to do that on my own. I can't soak someone in compassion to the point where they begin to cry. I know God can.
So I am driven into prayer for people - taking them to God and telling Him what is in my heart for them.
So here I am again - at God's feet once again - as always...
He is my God
He is who I turn to

Anyway - must go
God bless to you all

Painting a picture...

2005-02-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

Let me paint a picture
A picture of a Father and His child
A 16 year old kid - and of His Saviour

This kid is someone who finds forgiveness a difficult concept
Someone who finds it hard to see the bright side
They spend so long trying to be perfect
Trying to be strong for their Saviour...

Their obsatcle is themself
Although their passion is birthed form God
They wrestle with self imperfections
The passion and dream inside is so hard to bring to reality
They feel so weak and yet want to do so much

They want to take on the world and see so many saved
But they find their own salvation hard to understand at times
Wanting to be at the finish line
But feeling to rubbish to run the race

Yet God calls them on
He does not hate them
But His heart burns with love for them,
Even though they don't always understand.

This God is broken over them
So much so that He gave His Son for them
to restore them to Himself
He holds them in His hand when they are about to fall apart.
He holds them close when they are too tired to think

His words bring clarity and exactness to their confusing mind
His love cracks the shell they are in
and their torn emotion and feelings spill out
they cry
and God holds them
This God doesn't leave them helpless

But sees that they are too weak to save themselves
in compassion He loves them still
He promises to sanctify them
To make them into His image
To make them like His Son.

This God doesn't give up on His children
He is the strength they don't have
He is their comfort in a sharp world
He is their truth when their are surrounded with lies.
He speaks truth to them and sets them free from their sin

This God is Holy and beautiful
But He is not afraid to reach out and touch those who are stained
He embraces them and makes them clean again

He lets them know that they are weak in themselves
But that He is with them
That they do not need to be strong themsleves
and indeed they cannot
But instead urges them to dependance on Him
Their only one
Their Lord
Jesus their light, their friend, their co-sufferer

This kid is me
This friend their Saviour is Jesus
The picture goes on
till next time...

Part of a family...

2005-01-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

Hello people
Thought I'd let you know my sore throat is better which is cool. I did get a cough afterwards but now that is gone as well. So Thanks to God for making me better so soon.

I am excited at the moment. The reason being that about a week ago, I saw one of my managers from work (I work at McDonalds Friday nights and part of Saturday) wearing this hoodie - which said something about Christian Unions on it. That would be really cool because if she is a CHRISTian then I will have someone to talk and relate to at work. That is such a cool thing for me.

I haven't asked her yet about it - but it would be so so cool if she is. It's just the idea of having someone else from God's family in the same workplace, that I can hang with. It reminds me of just how good fellowship is.
When I became a Christian, I became part of a family as well. God's family is so different from any other club or family like structure.

There's something so special and right about being able to sit down with people and pray for them and encourage them in their walk with God... and also when they reflect the same to you by praying with you and helping you see the bright side when things are down.
This is what being part of church is like - and it is beautiful.
There's something so right about a family where people bear eachothers' hurts and yet share eachothers' happiness.
Where Jesus shines through relationships.
Where people are forgivings and understanding towards eachother.
Where people are patient with ach other and help teach eachother.
Where you can cry together when it hurts, and laugh together when things are good.

This type of family is so beautiful and so special - we should do everything we can to preserve it. Not only that but to keep building eachother up and encouraging eachother so that we all "reach unity in the faith" (as Paul [i think] put it).

I love church so much because of being able to be with people there. I love this blogworld as well because of everyone I can talk to and share with.
I think God shines through His church, as His people love and care for eachother. It's an amazing witness to the world.
Jesus' words hang with me here

John 13:35 (New International Version)
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

There are so many times when I have felt discouraged and down, but it is through people belonging to God - those you are His children - that I have received encouragement and patience.
It's very easy on your own to get discourgaed by a whole host of things... not least our own sin which is so painful to have. I long to be perfect like my Saviour, but I am not there yet. When I sin I feel like I'm walking away from Jesus, the one who showed such kindness to me.
For that reson my sin is disgusting to me and I hate it.
But isn't it easy to hate yourself as well because of your imperfections and loose sight of the fact that God's love runs deep enough to overcome them.

Maybe you are in a horrible place where you can find it hard to trust that God's forgiveness is there for you, and that He really does love you. But remember that noone on earth is perfectly righteous and blameless before God on their own.
You may think that although everyone is under sin - some people deserve salvation more than others, because their sin is less than yours.
You might think that God is willing to forgive other people but not you.
To a person feeling like that, remember that Jesus is the one who said these words:

Mark 2:17 (New International Version)
On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

If you feel sick and weak because of your sin then Jesus is the very person who comes to heal you with forgiveness. It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. Jesus had compassion for the people who knew that they were lost in sin. Those who wanted to be cleansed believed Jesus and He cleansed them.

God encourages me so much through his family
People who remind me of truth of how God genuinely does care for me.
When people encourage me and care about how I am feeling.
When people pray with me and for me.
When people are patient with me as I struggle
When people bring prophetic words of encouragement, showing that God knows where I am and cares about how I am feeling.

This is deep love and brings me back to a place where I know God's grace and love towards myself - because it has been revealed to me through the body of Christ. In helping me know Christ more I realise more how my sins are covered by His blood and how I can appraoch God freely.
Peter sums this up beautifully

1 Peter 4:8 (New International Version)
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Hope that brings some encouragement to anyone reading. And if you are feeling down...
then have a pat on the back from me and know that God does not give up on those He loves.
And you can know God loves you by the fact that He sent His only Son - to remove your sins by giving up His life for you. God wouldn't give His Son for someone He didn't have time for.

God will not give you up just because you are still growing

Hosea 11:8 (New International Version)
"How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zeboiim? My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused.

or again

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

God is mighty to save you. His arm is not too short to save. And He delights in His people. Isn't that an amazing thing to believe? Here is truth that you can trust in.

Psalm 149:4 (New International Version)
For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.

God is the befriender of the depressed. He brings me through time and again when I loose hope. He is My God and My Salvation.

Hurting with People

2005-01-23T01:01:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, who's stumbled across this blog. God knows you by name. From the before the beginning of the world He knew you.

Hope you're all doing ok...
If you're not, then I hope this will encourage you,
I wanted to share this with you anyway.

On Monday morning, before I walked into my form room at school, I had this thought.
If I was already sitting at my desk, and Jesus came into the room, God's only Son. What kind of person would He be? Jesus was gentle and humble - God's Spirit was on upon Him - He felt and knew people's needs - He shared emotionally wiith them - He loved people.

Isaiah 42:3 (New International Version)
A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

So I should try and do the same.
Because I might be the only person in some peoples' lives who ever tries to show love or listen to them.
Could Jesus touch people on a Monday morning through me just spending time with people?
I could just hang with them and be a friend to them.
I never thought of evangelism that way before. Before it was me wanting to see the end result. I wanted to just see people saved.

But I myself have taken so long to grow into knowing - that God actually does love me.
Other people may well take time to recognise that as well.
And I have friends at school who come from much worse circumstances than I do. They need someone to love them and listen to them. To share with them emotionally. Not someone so warped with a passion for God that they can't relate to them. Jesus was passionate about His Heavenly Father. But He was still able to listen care and love for people. He was balanced

So in trying to emulate that at school. I learn't a few things about loving people. I'm quite restless in conversation with people.
Maybe I need to be a little more peaceful, a bit more quiet, and listen to people.

Depressed people are going to find it hard to see the bright side. And there are so many people at school who are depressed.
I'm glad sometime I feel down and depressed myself. All the better I can know what it's like to be in the shoes of some people I know.

Isaiah 53:4 (New International Version)
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows...

If this is waht Jesus did, as His diciples let us do the same. Lets show the same love to the world that was shown to us. Let us carry our lights and let them shine.
So lets reach out to heal and support. Don't break brusied reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks. People so often feel like that.

Looking back on the week, God has touched people.
This is how He helped me...
On Thursday night I got a sore throat - and It was one of those really horrible ones. I'm wrting this Sunday morning and I still feel it a bit. Thursday and Friday were really hectic. Stress packed and too tired to concentrate on stuff, I really felt like throwing in the towel as far as school work was concerned.

But guess what?
So many of my mates were feeling the same.
In fact they often feel incredibly depressed and stressed. They just want a break.
It must hurt so much more to have to deal with the pressure of life and A-Levels and hormones when you don't know Jesus your Saviour.

I can understand why they go out and get drunk on the weekends sometimes - they want a way out - they want to enjoy themselves. I'm not saying that they go the right way about it, but that I feel for them.

I'm glad I was overliad with needing to do school work without the time to do it.
I'm glad my throat was caning me.
I'm glad I felt like giving it up.
Even Jesus felt the same before the cross - But He submited to His Father's will and loved the world by taking the wiegth of our sin for us - so we could be free.
Jesus shared in our humanity. He felt as we do.
I'm glad that I will go through pain like Him and like others I know. It allows me to share in His experinece - and to reach out to others better.

So smiles it's smiles for me
I pray it will be also for you

Thanks to God for being so good, and thanks for all the other things You've done this week that have ben so encouraging. Thanks for everyone reading - I pray that You bless them and encourage them wherever they are emotionally or physically.
Thanks that You are here God by You Spirit.
Thanks for being my Counsellor and all that that entails.
Thanks for being their Counsellor and their friend.
At school - take all of me God - Be the Saviour of my friends through me.
Be the comforter of the people I know
Be the healer of those I know
Be the befriender of those I don't
Be the hope of people.

Amen

Hope in God

2005-01-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

This week has overall been good again. Which is cool - I'm starting to appreciate though - the low points that do come along every so often - beacuse when they are over - God always seems to have brought something good out of it - renewed confidence in Him, a better knowledge of just how much He cares.

I thought about this the other day. Suppose you were a soldier and someone gave you a huge steel sword. At first you might be inexperienced using it - you would probably be careless - it would probably be heavy and hard to handle. Although it has the potential to slice the heads off your enemies, it requires experience and tact in order to use it in that way.

Drawing a a parallel to God's word . Although it is absolute and true - a double edged sword as the Bible describes it. It is often through the mess that we go through in life that we learn to seize the weapon God has given us and use it. At first when I became a Christian - any struggle , spiritually or otherwise I faced, I would throw everything I had at it to overcome. Every last ounce of energy and enthusisam - all the will power I could muster.

But hey - a little over 12 months later, and not so apparently as hyped as at first - it is now that I look up to God and the love He has showed me - and I see that His promises of love and grace and forgivemess were there all along to help me
- that I could trust in them and find peace
- that God could overcome my struggles with me.
His sword of truth has been there all along. Now I see that it is His word which guides and protects me... not my own passion or heart for God. It is God who is my Saviour, not my passion for Him.
His are the words
- that defeats the discouragement Satan throws at me
- that gives me peace and confidence when my feelings try to say otherwise (Psalm 71:5) NIV
- that gives me comfort when I am down (Psalm 42:5) NIV
- that gives me hope because Jesus is coming back one day to take me and His church to be with Him forever (1 Thessalonians 4:17) NIV

Hype, enthusiasm, and feeling so rarely (if ever) last - but God's affection is forever. His love is light to my thoughts. My thoughts decieve me otherwise as I am dragged down with discouragement every time I fail.

The concept of grace - for me - was not something I instantly was intimate with.
But through all the times I have hated myself foe being rubbish - I have had to learn to grapple with grace more and more. Now I find it easier to trust God. I still have loads to learn, to mature and to grow. But God will see me through. Just as a soldier needs to grow in experience and is not instantly a warrior - so as Christians it may take time for us to grow - true, in the "not yet" we will struggle...

But that is exactly where we are refined - that is God's love to perfect and teach His beloved children. That they may know Him more.

Psalm 143 (New International Version)
1 O LORD , hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
....
6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah
7 Answer me quickly, O LORD ;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD ,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD , preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

God will destroy my enemey my Accuser - the Accuser of our brothers (as He is described in Revelation 12:10 NIV)
Philemon 1:25 - The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. (NIV)

It's been a Good week

2005-01-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,
went back to school this week, kinda was looking forward to it in a way - seeing friends and everything.
I've really "felt" a lot better this week. It's weird though because when I say that, it's not my feelings that have made it a better week. Only God helping me hold onto His grace more tightly so I can really live for Him.

I've been thinking also, about how I so often judge so many things according to how I'm feeling. That could well be why I sometimes feel so messed up - beause my emotions are up and down all over the place. Not only have I judged myself according to how I feel instead of God's grace, but I also try and discern what God wants me to do by what I "feel" He wants me to do.

That may sound quite innocent, but it could be really dangerous also. It is unwise to just try and feel out God's will when my emotions are so non-constant. I want to really try and use my head and ask God for wisdom to handle His word carefully to discern His will. Then I can worship God more with my mind also.

This doesn't make it all easy. But it is a step closer to how I think God wants us to worship. God's promises and words are the only true ans stable foundation we can walk on. Our own feelings can be deceptive and instable. If I always lived by how I felt, then if my feeling were in conflict with God's word, then I would begin to live in disobediance and unbelief.
If I walk away from God and trust more in how I feel, than His promise of Grace and Him being my counsellor by His Spirit He has left with me, then I will believe a lie, that I am condemned and useless and worthless.

Psalm 13v2-6
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.

(New International Version)

David wrestles with his thoughts. He has sorrow in his heart. He feels like his enemy is triumphing over him. I relate to that where I sometimes feel like I will never improve and my failings will forever accuse me and triumph over me.
But what does David say at the end?
But I TRUST in You unfailing love, My heart rejoices in Your salvation
And that is where my joy is - In God's salvation of me - not in how I feel
Finally David can say that he will sing to the LORD.
Trusting in God's love above how he felt and all his anguish - resulted in worship.

I want to do the same
God Bless

Immaturity

2005-01-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

Hey
I thought I would carry on posting,
If people care enough to read and comment - then I owe them to let them know how things are.

Things are better I suppose - but it doesn't feel like it so it is hard to know
I've spent alot of time thinking but it doesn't solve anything - my thoughts tend to be quite mixed up anyway.

On my last post I said that I shouldn't even think about ministry at the moment, basically because I haven't been obediant to God. I haven't been responsible in small things, so how can I help God's flock.

In a sense that is true - but ministry can mean simply serving and loving people
That is my duty all the time
Maybe what I meant, is that I'm not fit for leadership. That is what I've almost set myself up for. And now I'm thinking, why am I trying to fill a place which God maybe hasn't called me to do. I don't think God has called me to lead people - especially not yet as I am so inexperienced. Paul told Timothy the same thing in chhosing people to lead or oversee. But I have assumed that position allbeit in small ways.

That means I am not caring for His flock like I should. I am being irresponsible with my time. And the things God has called me to do are neglected - LIKE SCHOOL WORK

Also I have a problem with being so pessimistic about everything. People don't appreciate me being gloomy and never seeing anything good in anything. If I constantly complain and have nothing good to say, How does that help build others up?
I need to think a bit more positively and lighten up.
But I also need to be honest with God about how I feel. And I cannot pretend to be joyful and happy when I really am not. That is what I struggle with.
I can try to be positive but what is that except an outward image. I feel rubbish
And it hurts to feel rubbish all the time

The more I think about God, the more rubbish I see myself.
He gives me His Spirit to guide me and teach me - so I can be a better person for Him.

But sometimes I get messed up and take His guidance and turn it into condemnation for myself. Why I do this I don't know...

When God brings something to mind that I need to change
That word is intended to grow me and show me love
But I have this terrible problem where I only see where I am lacking and choose to hate myself for it

I don't know what to do. If every time God speaks to me about something I need to correct, I take it the wrong way and take it out on myself.
When will I ever get a grasp on Grace?
This seems more than a phase for me
It's like a disease I have
The biggest block to me walking with God...

Is myself

I say I am probably doing better - but I really don't know
When God tells me over and over and over again that He does love me
I beleive it for a few hours... a day
And then I slip into despair again

Eventually I am at the point where I try and block out that God could possibly love me
I am sacred that I am hardening myself to God's voice.

Occasionally God makes things perfectly clear and it all seems alright
But after that, it seems to dissappear and I think that my emotions must have lied to me.

I am caught in the "not yet"
In the immature
In the "I know what I should be, but I am not"

and it seems there is no way out
I am forever returning to disbelief and condemning myself
I feel really really lost

Why am I hard hearted and slow to learn slow to believe

Having said that I get comfort from the fact that Jesus diciples walked with Him 3 years and still had trouble believing - and they were far from perfect
some of their ideas and failing seem almost as messed up as mine - yet look a what happened over time they spent with Jesus

Also I know that when Jesus comes back, we will all be made like Him
maybe we will not struggle anymore with our rubbishness
I look forward to that

Anyway
that's all for now
Hope everyone is doing ok
I feel it right to mention the tsunami at the moment

that is so much bigger than anything I am going through
I can't explain why God lets certain things happen
but I know that people often turn to Him when things like this happen
And I pray that anyone caught up in this at the moment, will be kept safe and God will carry you through the hurt however long it lasts

I don't really know what to say
But you have my thoughts

Getting on and doing it

2004-12-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

i might not be posting for a while after this
I spend too much time doing things which maybe God hasn't called me to do instead of addressing the issues in my life that really need to be dealt with
My lazy attitude being of prime concern
Some things are easy for me to do. But when it comes to those nitty gritty things that I don't care about deep down but that God calls me to do, I'm a complete shambles.

School at the moment is really important. But I've been disobeying God far too long in not giving 100% effort to it. I've made very excuse under the sun, but at the end of the day...
disobediance is disobediance.

I'm in no position to teach anybody anything at the moment. Sin is sin. And it is always wrong. I'm no less guilty than anyone else no matter what their failure. I'm no higher than anyone else.
But i've been outright wrong., and need to get a lot of things sorted before I even think about ministry at the moment.

So I'm gone for a while
and I'll keep quiet

Thanks for everyone who's helped and encouraged me recently.
Thanks to God for helping get my attiude a bit straighter
I just need to get on and obey God

Believing God....

2004-12-07T14:21:00.000-08:00

Well it's Tuesday night,
and so far I have not done a very good job at "pressing on". It seems that right at the point when I am most enthusiatic about getting it right, I fall.

I'm not trying hard enough at school, academically. And I'm just being so lazy and have felt so guilty over it. My recent tests have been poor and it's through simply not revising and not concentrating in lessons. Absoulutely my fault.
I feel attacked with accusations that are true about my failure to live how God would want me to do. Not making the best of my resources to serve God.

My parents are using their authortity to reshape my priorities (and rightly so) which are up the spout. I'm guessing my messed up prioities are a result of me spiritualising everything. As a consequence, things like education mean little to me as I figure that God can get me where I need to be if I put Him first. School feel like chains around my feet dragging me down when I feel desperate to spend some time with God.

But putting Him first does not mean neglecting my work to think about Him. It means worshiping Him through my responsibilities, by doing my work. I need to sort that out however painful that is.

But I'm beginning to realise, that in order to press on and not give up, like how Paul said in Philippians...
I am going to have to walk in grace all the time. There is no way I can continue to get so "hung up" (as Penny put it) over how I am doing.

And grace is a matter of faith. It is God's promise, the righteous will live by faith. Romans talks about it alot.
If I don't start believing God and taking Him at His word that I am indeed forgiven and wiped clean, then how will I ever press on?
Everytime God speaks loving words full of grace to me, through the Bible, through people (like George and Penny and Pat and Ann), during worship, I feel like I want to cry...

God soaks me in how much He loves me so often and I just break down and cry. But then only 24 hours later, at the end of another day, I am ridden with guilt over failure and about not being marked out as a Christian as much as I should.

Within such a short time period I find it near impossible to believe that God could ever love me.
Until, that is, I read my mail, and see a message from my blog, telling me that George had posted a comment full of love and patience to encourage me and help me out.
Thanks George. Thanks for being there to minister to me becasue it means so much.
I would probably give up completely if God didn't meet me to remind me of His grace through people like you.

Well, I have to go, and get some sleep
I need to believe God when He says that I am under grace. I need to believe Him when He says that He loves me. Not only during church or when someine is there to encourage me. But during the shcool day also. When I feel exposed in a secular and sin saturated world.

Thanks God for being there to help me out
Thanks for the people you send
and the words You speak
Thank You that You are there

Looking up... :)

2004-12-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone

Thanks so much to everyone whose been praying for me
I'm well sorry for moaning and complaining so much recently. But thanks for responding in love
I'm so thankful for this family belonging to Christ that I am part of
You are all fantastic...EACH one of you

Mike gave an interpreation in church tonight
about lifting our hearts up and not getting buried under everything and dragged down.
That word from God broke me
I always focus on how badly I feel oppressed. And I get down and think negatively about how rubbish I am.

But we need to look up, to Him who can save us.
what Gareth said in youth chuch this morning about knowledge, belief and faith, ties in with it.
I cry out to God under oppression and accusation...
I believe He can save me, after all He is all powerfull.
But where is my faith, that confidence in what I believe. I want to be cnfident in my Savoiur

God has ministered to me so much today
I am so thankful. It's like all His attention had been focussed on seeing me through and loving me and teaching me what I need so desperately.
Mike's whole sermon was on some verses in Phillipians that have meant so so much to me recently.

Presing on towards the goal
Striving for the prize, even under oppression
being poured out like a drink offering, just like Jesus was.
Keeping on for God in His strength - and my weakness
Forgetting what is behind and keep persevering

These thoughts have been instruction, comfort, encouragement and bread to me
It is not about the oppression we will all walk through or how much we feel God.

It is about having a deep desire and yearning to see His name lifted high, far higher than any power
We worship Him, Almighty God, Holy and beautiful and true

This week, THIS WEEK
I am going to struggle for you God
I trust YOU, not anyone else, to be there
Even when I am in the desert, Even when accused by Satan and oppressed by all his power

I will Press on
And serve my brothers, and live like one set free by THE Saviour

It is for freedom You've set us free
I am not at all perfect, BUT I thank you for those places where through YOU, I will love freely, care freely, pray freely, and be free from sin

Thank You Jesus - my strength and salvation, My rock, my fortress, My MIGHTY Warrior
In You I trust

Amen

little by little...

2004-11-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

I keep going up and down
but hey its how God see things that's important

This week has been a mess. I have felt rubbish every single day from morning to night.
Feeling like such a poor Christian I should be shot!
But it's hard to figure out why...

I was preparing for small (cell) groups, and I wanted to in some way, to help Christy, Joel and Daniel take their individual weaknesses to God. Sometimes it's hard to see if they even have any, because everything seems to be going fine for them. But I thought they must strugle with some things even if it is not foremost on their mind.

So I began to write down a list of areas of sin or general weakness that I used to - or still do struggle with myself. And this list got really long.
Most of these areas aren't shocking or "big". But they are there.
Areas like, assuming God has said something when He hasn't...
or being too talkative in classes at school
or not going that extra mile to do something good
or not taking that opportunity to do good where I should

There's so much more as well as that. Sins that build up over the course of the day that rip you apart so bad that by the time you get home you are too depressed to even pray properly. And then you forget to pray for people as well.

BUT BUT BUT

Salavtion is free!!! It's free
Not only do I not have to earn it... - I can't earn it

Hebrews 3 v7-8
So, as the Holy Spirit says:
"Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion,

v12
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.
(NIV)

I need to take God at His word when He says not to harden my heart, and to put faith in Him. I need to "hold firmly till the end the confidence we [I] had at first"(NIV)
That simple turst that... Jesus you have wiped my sin, my failings... Your power is made perfect in my weakness.
Press on, Press on!!!
Do your best, don't get down.
Maybe you do deserve to be shot, but rememeber... why grace was given to you

Like Paul said:
Ephesians 3:8
Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,(NIV)

Why the grace!!! to preach to unsearchable riches of Christ - to do His work, to serve people.
Yes it may be tough, I may fail, I may be rubbished, Peole may not even respond to God's message. But I must not bury my talent in the ground. I will use the little that God has given me and do my best.
I must I must I must
so

little by little - We go on - God and me... Him carrying and walking with me - being my warior and fighting for me while I fight for the people He wants to reach

That sounds very noble
A high and mature attitude
but Iwant to adopt it.
if you want, please pray that God would bring me into this
It is Him who makes me grow

I may well feel rubbish. But I need to take God at His word and promise of salvation, and press on to serve people
Learn to Serve!!!

Amen
Thanks Jesus - I trust you

its so hard to keep happy...

2004-11-12T14:27:00.000-08:00

I loose balance the second i find it.
More is required from me.
I cannot give it, so I have to trust God to work through me
And trust Him it will all be alright

I understand I do not have to achieve and perform to be loved
But i cannot relax and not feel guilty
In heaven I will have eternity to rest
So should I not put all myself into what God calls me to do now

The problem is even though i feel guilty relaxing. I still do it
If I don't I can't think straight.
But when I do, I relax for too long and neglect responsibilties.

I can't even get my thoughts down staright today
If you're reading you're probably a bit lost.

I seek sympathy. But I feel so selfish, I'll be honest anyway.
I am so all over the place.
In a sense it's laughable.

Anyway. God reigns and rules
Jesus is coming for me. I trust Him to do that
Can I trust myself to be ready for Him?
Ummm
Umm
Oh Dear
I'm stuck there...

I'm actually happy for the first time in ages...

2004-11-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

It hurts so much to just do things as a chore (because we ought to) instead out of love for God. Legalsim destroys a relationship with God turning it into a routine.
I find myself constantly trying to "keep on track" by analysing everything I do - and think - , and looking at the rights and wrongs of it, and beating myself up over what a poor Christian I am.

Its so easy to miss what Jesus settled on the cross and be overwhelmed by our weakness. I get discouraged when I don't see things happening. And I am also very ruthless about it.
E.G

Christian Union didn't go very well (...I didn't have anything amazingly original to say)
Therefore I can't be praying enough for it.
I'm a backslider.

Also I find myself reading the Bible, constantly looking for something which noone else has ever spotted before. If I don't find something, thens something's wrong with me.

Why do I look at things like that?

I don't know excatly, but it can't be right. We live by faith not by performance.

...I feel God has said something to me. It could be just a cool idea, but it has helped me so much recently to break out of the whole "performance" thing.
It goes something like this

"Stop trying...Start Trusting"

Now don't get me wrong, that's not "don't try at all at anything". But this is how that applies to my mentality.

Stop trying to save every person you meet... Trust God to bring up the opportunity to witness
Stop trying to impress all the non-Christinas at C.U... Trust God to speak to them gently.
Stop trying to hear God's voice... Trust Him to speak to you and make it clear at the right time
Stop trying to spend ages praying as if it will make you more commited... Trust God that one moment spent with Him is better than a thousand elsewhere

All this time I have been doing things because they make me feel more committed, more sold out, more "spiritual" (as Ann so correctly jokes about).
If I feel more committed, sold out and spiritual... then I feel more safe in my own strength... and I don't trust God and the relationship starts to crumble.

Instead I will stop trying to be spiritual and commited. And start trusting God that He loves me however unspiritual, uncommited or commited or sold out or whatver you want to call it. Then there is no pressure - no fear of failure - no condemnation.

Because I am under grace in Christ
Thank You Jesus so so much for that
Amen

Now for the first time in so long
I can really smile and mean it. I'm not constantly mad at myself. God does actually love me
:)

... feeling better already :)

2004-11-06T16:20:00.000-08:00

Jesus You are so cool. All of about an hour (or so) later
I'm feeling a bit better already.

Just read around the last half of Revelation,
God is the best encourager - Jesus is coming soon...
He's coming for you and me - He's coming He's coming He's coming

He is my Salvation - Amen

....

Came back from church this morning... cried again.
God inists on loving me however rubbish my week was, and despite whoever's fault it was, even it it is mine (which it is).
You know what. It's such a relief to accept that i can actually do nothing at all, except follow God.
I cannot save anyone, make anyone a Christian, start a revival, or anything close.
Only God can do that.

So God, please if it's Your will, and because of Jesus (not because I deserve anything) would you do something really cool at school and save people and be really amazing like You always are.

God the passion is not mine. I have no energy left. Satan accuses me day and night. But You saved me...
Thank You.
It's up to You. If you use me then fine. If you don't then fine as well. Please bless school through me. I can't perform I can't pretend. This is what I pray. Thank You for hearing me. Thank You for loving me incessantly despite the idiot I am. I'm useless --- You are God
LORD God, Jesus. Help me to press on and not get dragged down by condemnation. Help me see your vision. And when I can't give me faith to hold on.

You are my everything
Jesus I LOve You
Amen Amen Amen
You are the Alpha and the Omega
My Saviour
Take me

Having a Rubbish week

2004-11-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

ok
i hate to discourage everyone by emtying myself on my blog. But maybe its helpful to write my feelings every now and again.
I really badly feel like the most rubbish Christian ever - there are many reasons.

I can't get my priorities staright and so i never get anything done properly
Whenever i get a random thought I think I might be hearing from God and so if I don't obey it I feel super guilty - how sad
I can never get on with my family
My Mum has labelled me as a fanatic who noone wants to listen to because I am so unbalanced in my attitude towards God and life
In a way she is so right as well, because I never think through my actions properly but I am really impulsive.
I hate practicalities because they get in the way. I just want to live this amazing life for God but that would be unbalanced, fanatical and besides I'm doing rubbish anyway and always approach stufff from the wrong angle.
I'm feeling guilty (and rightly so) for feeling sorry for myself.
Whenever i want to get on and do something (like homework) all I can think about is God for the most part, and other stuff.
I love to reason things over a million times in my head and I constantly try to self-analyse but can never suss myself out - I can't tell what my real motives are for my actions. EG - Do I really love God or am I just deluding myself. After all my life is crammed with all these tiny sins and bad attitudes that are so annoying which I shouldn't have if I really love Him with everything I have.
Sins like sarcasm and just being argumentative and wanting to get my own stupid way. They seem to be tied up with who I am as a person. I have to actively concentrate to not do them at times. Consequently I doubt my salvation - now that's a worrying statement.
God just keep loving me and I can't understand why. I am such a cocky stubborn WRETCH and i feel like my behaviour is like spitting at God when He has done so much for me. Why do I always want my own way? When can I want to be nice to my family. Don't get me wrong I want to but this isnful nature of mine just won't die and let God really reign in me. That sounds really confusing but I know God gets me and understands.
Numbers of people have been going down at Christian Union at school recently. And I am convinced that it is (for a large part) MY FAULT because of my tendency to preach at people. Another point supporting my Mum's statement.

There's probably more. I like the sound of my own voice too much. So i'll shut up
I know God understands me and loves me. But I am just fed up to the back teeth with myself.
I need to grow up, and get a grip and stop being so concerned about myself and have a more outward look.

If anyone has any advice than please share - feel free to be harsh because I need some truth. I'm the one most guilty hrere of giving people false encouragement to try and make them feel loved when they are going thrugh a tough time. But if anyone...

dunno
feel free to comment

Calling...

2004-10-13T07:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i really struggle with myself as a Christian

One of my biggest problems is that i struggle to simple "be" before God. Instead i feel have to peform and achieve constantly in order to be who i should be in Jesus.

I see so many christians (who no doubt have their own struggles) who are:
so much more sold out,
so much more devoted,
so much more focused,
so much more prayerful,

than me...

I see them and think, wow
Look at that... Look at me

So i feel like i've wasted so much time faffing around when i could be doing something useful for God. So i fall back into legalism. Imposing all sorts of rules on myself to keep me on track. It makes me feel safe.
But the downside is, i grow weary very quickly and cannot keep it up, so i take a break to relax and sooner or later i'm back where i was in the start.

I need to rely on God's strength. To know the fullness of His love. To know His grace that sets me free from legalism.

But sometimes i wonder, is this thing inside me that makes me want to have an impact for Christ -

Is that actually God's calling on my life?
That He wants me to persevere that little bit longer to build charcter so He can use me for other things
If so then i don't want to miss out on that.

But its all about getting that balance

Thanks for those of you that have been praying for me. Because i have been getting better.
I am no hero in any sense. But i want to Press on into Jesus.
I know God will take care of the small things once i get my sight and heart fixed wholly on Him.

I Thank God for all of you out there who are part of His family. I want you to know that. I love you all so much, and may God give me a greater heart for you.
And if Jesus is not your Saviour then i am not here to judge you. We are all who we are by the grace of God and not by our own effort. And Jesus died for you. So that you would be released form the punishemnt of your sins and failings.
May you find Him
Amen

Beautiful One

2004-09-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

We have a wonderful God
He has plans for His children
That we cannot reason out
His ways are higher than ours
He is greater than our logic or our imagination

I realise so many times - time and time again,
How God does not give up on me.
I am so weak, sometimes i feel like i can't even try anymore.
"When will i win over my failings?" i ask myself...

Then i see again that i cannot - but instead i should trust in Jesus
He is perfection
And He died in my place
So I could live by having faith in Him.

Another thing i've been learning. God works through us (as His children) by His Holy Spirit.
My own enthusiasm (manufactured by myself) only fades away, and has no wisdom to show me the right steps to take...

But the Holy Spirit will guide me into truth. In Him alone we can trust.
So I have to learn to listen to God's voice - not my own logic

God will provide passion when it is required - and that passion will not point to self but to God.
My own enthusiasm cannot sustain itself.

I will not try to encourage myself by my own reasoning.
But instead set my hope on God's grace
And turn to Him for refreshment - to Him who already knows my every need

Beautiful One
Thank You Jesus for being there to help me out
help me to listen to You
to trust You
and to be obediant

Thank You that you are already there in my future
Thank You that Your plans are flawless and I can trust You to provide for me
Amen

Craving for God

2004-09-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's quite funny, sometimes you fail to realsie just how important some things are to you - until you are deprived of them.
Man what a feeling, i feel like i'm drained of my lifeblood like all my hopes have been dashed

...Just because i can't go to church tonight

It sounds insane - i didn't realise how much it mean't to me deep inside until i learn't that i had to look after my sister this evening. It wasn't actually something i had to do under my parents authority but it felt so wrong to leave her at home on her own - so i decided to stay.

God has a way of being so incredibly addictive, that i cling to Him without realising. Then i think what a blessing it is that He promises to be with me always - even unto the end of the age!
Nothing can overcome Him and He chooses to live inside of me - Amazing Grace

I think i need to learn that God is still with me (just as powerfully) even when i am not standing in His church. The real church is His family, which i am adopted into. - and noone can pluck me from His hand
Still i am thankful in a way for God releasing such a hunger for Him in me.

I can't describe it but it helps me pray.
So i'm gonna end here
Keep focussed on God and let Him draw you deeper

May God Bless you
and keep you

Here is a post for one of my best m8s at school

2004-09-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have this mate at school called Prits
And he was asking me if i could give him a shout on my blog so he can be famous worldwide
so... because he means so much...
i couldn't refuse him
So Prits - here you are, your mention on the web,
Prits would like everyone to know:

that he is very funny but understanding and intelligent at the same time
he also enjoys many sports and loves to hang out and spend quality time with his freinds

lol...
am i flattering you a bit here?

anyway, Prits is fantastic and much appreciated
a great friend to hang out with.
One thing i really admire about Prits, is that he isn't two faced
he is straight with me and talks with me about loads of stuff
Great mate
Thank You God for Prits to hang with at school

God Bless

Songs?

2004-09-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

I had this song in my head

God is good
all the time

and one that goes

His anger lasts a moment
but His favour lasts a lifetime

They might be the same song actually

What a cool song
Isn't it true
God Bless

Enjoying a relaxing holiday :-)

2004-08-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

im still on holiday at the moment and it is very hot. but im still having a cool time. I think God's reminded me that it is ok to relax sometimes. Sometimes i get myself really worked up because i think that i have to be going at 110% every single day. To be honest im just not capable of it on my own. im only flesh and blood.

but we all have to be led by the Spirit and so im really only capable of doing what the Holy Spirit helps me do. Sometimes i feel like i have to be some big spiritual warrior ready to take on any challenge to be accepted by God. But i dont.

So im going to enjoy my hols. And im so glad that i can relax.
So if you feel like rubbish jmust because you have spent every second of your day reading the Bible or praying - dont worry.

God looks on you in love and doesn't pick out your faults
Bless you