These thoughts...

Sorry I havn't posted in so long everyone
things have been so busy
with school work and stuff

I hope things are going well for everyone.
I'm really struggling with what to write today
I want to write about something I struggle with
Something I cannot understand and cannot fight
But something which God never-the-less delivers me from

I get these thoughts all the time in my head
thoughts that command obediance
but I'm unsure if it really is God.
Thoughts that condemn unless I can find a Biblical basis for not obeying them
Thoughts that try and dictate eveything...
from the shirt I choose in the morning, to what I eat for lunch
To anyone reading - I don't know if anyone really understands this.
But I struggle with it all the time
I am rubbish at explaining it
and what I have written may not flow easily
and it might sound pretty messy.
Anyway, this is it

This is the pattern
This is my cycle

I walk, happy
gentle smiles
quiet joy
no anxiety, no worry

Then suddenly
A thought cries out in my head
who is this from I ask?
is this You God?
or is this the voice of legalism?

I cannot tell
I'm confused
I'm worried
I have been here before
but I have been caught out again

I obey the thought
I obey again and again
not knowing the speaker
the command becomes burdensome
Then I break away
I choose my own will instead
Yet I am not sure if or if not it was God who spoke
so I feel guilty
This is sin, because my action was not from faith

This is guilt
you smash me up
you steal my joy
you rip me apart
you entangle me and bring me down
you rob my zeal

you leave me crippled
discouraged
silenced
face in the mud

where has the enthusism gone?
I am weak, poor in spirit
I feel worthless
How can I do anything for God
I mess up everything I touch

Here I feel like a cripple, lying on my face

...

Then in my silence
You speak...
My Father, Daddy, God
Saviour, Lover...
You break my confused mess with Love and Truth

"I don't want you to be a cripple any more...
Get up and walk"

Thank You LORD that You want me to live
that You love me enough to heal me
Thank You for these words

How you understand me
Awesome are You
Author of Restoration
Author of my peace

Although my sickness confuses me
I cannot contend with legalism
But there is One who can

His Name is the LORD God Almighty
He is Wise, Faithful and True
He is unfoolable
He is Truth and speaks Truth
You understand me and my enemy
By Your truth You deliver me

Please make Your words part of me
Embed Your Truth in me
Now I want to hold to You tighter than anything in the world
Take me LORD
You are my Hope
my Vision
my Everything

Saviour, I know very little
but I know this
You are the one I look to when I cannot see anything
I do not understand this
But You always come through

You are my God

Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
(New International Version)

The LORD my Counselor

Hey everyone,
I would try and write more conventional post this week... but I'm enjoying writing poetry far too much. Thank You LORD for poetry.
I love how God gives us so many ways of worshipping Him and expressing ourselves. Yet sometimes it is really hard to express what we're feeling inside...
that can last for ages and it does hurt sometimes
but then God has a way of helping me let it all out to Him.

Sometimes that happens in prayer
sometimes in Church in worship
sometimes I just cry
or just smile
I've been thinking about expressing worship through painting as well recently
Now God's opened my eyes to the beauty of poetry.

Here's what I feel when I get home some days
on those days wher nothing much seems to happen
when things seem a bit motionless
The conversation between my heart and God's
(this goes on fairly long again)...

So here I am LORD
I come home from that world
that world - out there
It feels so sharp, so harsh at times
Maybe it's because it's a fallen world
or maybe...
it's me
weak and sinful me.

What am I to think...?

Well I havn't been perfect today LORD
I sinned there... and there as well
Thanks for loving me anyway
You're so good.

So I'm coming to You again, at the end of the day
I don't have any big thoughts today
nothing jumps out of my heart at the moement
I don't feel very inspired

Infact I feel a little weary, maybe a bit deadened.
Sin hurts God.. It hurts us both
Also when I loose vision of You - it feels really easy to do that
So I turn to You
... My Daily Bread
to keep me going
Thanks for being here for me when I get home
You the person I can always talk to
Thanks that I can trust in Your Salvation
Thank You for being my friend

You are so much more faithful than anything I know

As I sit here...
on my bed
or kneel on my knees
I forget the meaningless
and You fill my thoughts.

You capture me God
In that quiet place
You and me
You are like love all around me now
I'm like a kid in Your arms
Surrounded in Your sea of love

More than surrounded
but covered
more than covered
I feel complete in You
I want to dissolve in the flood of Love you give
Your love feels warm around me
not physical
It is deeper...
Your loves causes something deep inside

My heart responds
I am filled with words
I talk to you
I pray
I tell You what You have planted inside me

I know you smile and brim with love
As I pour myself out to You
Oh You God, My Maker
Maker of All things.

Wonderful Counselor
You help me connect when I can't
You speak Words to me to love me.
When I find it hard to be concious of You
You sometimes flood me like this
You are always the one who paves the way

You help me pray
You carry me

The same way it has always been
Right from the start
I couldn't find You
So You came to me
You showed me light and invited me in
You payed the price I couldn't
You work the wonders I can't
And share Your heart with me

You are true to Your word God

1 Corinthians 6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
(NewInternational Version)

You are so close here God
You are the author of creativity
and the author of expression
You are the author of my prayers sometimes God
The author of my hearts response

Wonderful Counselor
Noone like You
Not above
Not below
Only You know me LORD

You know these thoughts
these hurts
this quietness
this silence
...also this noise
this loud sound
this aching passion.

You know me in completeness
You are able to speak to me like noone else can
Able to truly comfort and restore

Your words are more than thoughts or sounds
they really are alive
They build me
and at the same time - soften me

...

As I sit here You lsiten once agin
You speak
You counsel me
You are my resting place
I can fall on You when I am tired
Thank You LORD
You are with me

I've got homework now
Another chance to worship You
Aaaragh, that hurts
I don't want to be lazy
I afraid I won't give myself completely to You
But Your grace will help me through

You are God
I love You God
Here I go
Work time...

The Word that makes things clear again...

This week I've been on half term (a one week mid term holiday)
Amongst relaxing and doing a bit of revision,
I've also been able to spend some really quality time reading the Bible.

Back a while... when God helped me see how important my school work and study was, I made alot of changes to where I spend my time. That's been really good but I still have a bit of work to do. One of the things being I've not got any set time for serious Bible reading.

Spending quality time in the Word has kind of become a "once in a while" issue. So I've got a little more unstable I guess, emotionally.
I've had a lot more ups and downs because my vision of where I stand with God has become more clouded in my own mind.
But God has used His Word over this half term to re-establish faith in me. To encourage and edify me.

So I've written this thing - bit like a psalm
It's seriously long - but hey - you don't need to read it all...

This is what Your Words are to me God...
They are what I crave when I waver, when I'm weak
They are the confidence I need
Steadiness birthed from faith
From the faith in You that comes from hearing Your Words
Your absolute Words that clarify...

They bring light to me
Life to me
Comfort and hope to me
Love to me.
Your Word is powerful.

You God, can arrest my swimming mind...
and take contol
You sort and sift my anxious thoughts.
They cannot resist Your grip
Givng me truth, understanding and peace
You decifer right from wrong
You bring definition and exactness

God I need Your absolute Word
I crave true revelation of You
It is bread to me
without knowledge of You, of who You are, of the love You share
I feel I will fall apart

...Without Your light I fumble in the dark
I cannot find You with my own thoughts
I cannot understand You on my own -
I hang on
hinge on
what You say

About You...
I want to know You in the now
More than that...I want to grow in You
I want consistancy - to walk with You LORD
You are always right
Always true
Always You
Yesterday and Today You are the same
Tommorrow You are already there, my constant
My Redemer lives and He is forever
Who can take Him away...?

Although I do not fully understand You yet...
You understand me LORD.
You hear my silent thoughts - even when I am too hurting to pray aloud.

When I don't speak You hear me
You hug me and You speak to me when I am angry with myelf.
You tell me You love me when I doubt You
You bring faith to life in me.

Authorship...
You are my author
You create life in me
You plant love in me for You
Whenever things get tough and I am brought down to basics
Then I see that You are the only one,
The only one who I can rely on

You are beautiful
You make my heart yearn after you
Like David I thirst for You, but...
I want to express that and live it out.

I want to be true to You always
I hate being imperfect...
so why do I follow imperfection at times..?
I want to be a worshipper

Althouth it's hard to see how I will get better
Although it can feel that I am consistantly sinful
Although I feel I will never improve...
Your love is greater and stronger!!!

This is what Your word says...
Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
(New International Version)

But I know that You have done work in my life LORD
things have got better
You have been with me...

Thank You for starting something in me God
Thank You that You will carry it on to completion
Unitl that day when You come to get me LORD
I believe that You will come and get me one day
Even when it feels I am not good enough
I want to trust You still
Because You Jesus, have paid my debt and made me acceptable to God

Thank You Jesus
I need God's Words to hold onto
The Bible says this of You

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
(New International Version)

You are the Word
The perfect revalation of who God is
Thanks for being there - full of grace and truth

Devotion...

As a Christian what do I want to be...?
completely sold out
consistantly obediant
willingly obediant
devoted to serving God
How hard it is to live a life that is as beautiful as that.
Only Jesus captured that perfectly. He managed to live that life where we couldn't because of sin. He followed God's will over His own right to the cross where He took my sins onto Himself so I could know God. God must have such a massive heart for people to be willing to do that for us.

Now as a Christian, trusting in what Jesus did, I am called to clothe myself with Christ, and be His ambassodor to a largely lost world.
But sometimes I worry, how am I going to be able to emulate Jesus's devotion and commitment. It's something in my heart that I want to attain but is so hard at times. I want to be beautiful for God just like Jesus was.

Psalm 22 reveals something to me here...
Psalm 22 is prophetic of Jesus's crucifixion. Jesus's voice rings through the verses - it is a prayer to God capturing the heart of what was happening on the cross as Jesus hung there. As Jesus took the sins of the whole world onto Himself, He is spearted from God His Father because of them.

(verse 1) My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
(New International Version)

Jesus is confused and feeling alone - feeling the pain that sin causes
The whole Psalm echoes what He is feeling and going through. It becomes so clear of just how vunerable and helpess and scared Jesus feeling without God.
Then in verse 10, He says this

From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.
(New International Version)

that phrase "cast upon you" is what grabs me
It paints a picture of absolute dependancy on God.
Jesus was like a baby dependant on God His Father for every last breath.
Every inner need for love, for strength, for affection had to be met by God. Without God, Jesus life ebbed - He was exposed confused and bewildered.

Here we get a glimpse of the depth and sincerity in Jesus relationship with God.
God was His life - His all.
I think this is what created such devotion in Jesus
At the centre of His devotion.... was dependancy

So in my life
The centre of my devotion myst be depndancy, of the same depth.
Obediance to God comes from depndancy of His love and strength.
Dependancy implies faith
So I need to learn to trust God and His words - and Hold to to them as holy above anything else.
God first... me not

God help me be aware of You always
I want to be depndant on You
I want to know You more
I want to know Your heart
I want to be cast upon You - unable to function without You

from forgiveness to compassion...

Hello to everyone once again

Just a short post today - sorry it's so late :p

Over the year and a bit since I became a Christian, since God grabbed a hold of me to be His child - I've had so many times when I've messed up and stuff. But God has always been there perfecting me and growing me.

Not only to be a better person, but also to know more of His love and forgiveness.
Whenever I get things wrong, it seems that every time God roots grace even deeper in me. Over time I've learn't so much more about how deep His love goes and about the intense compassion He has on me. I learn that there are many many areas where I am too weak to help myself or to see my God birthed aspirations come to life. God also roots in me a dependancy on Him - just like a baby is so completely helpless on it's own - so I am without God.

Through all of this I feel broken even more inside for other people. More than ever before I feel compassion for them where they are.
The other day I realised that what I want to impart to them... is only what God has shared with me. If I was to capture that it would be like this.

I would want to find someone who feels and thinks they are a complete loser. Someone who feels a failure, a reject, and looked down upon. Somene who's downtrodden and depressed.
- I'd get them and give them a massive hug

That's what I feel like God has done with me. And I want to let someone else know that God loves them in them same way.
I only feel so powerless to do that on my own. I can't soak someone in compassion to the point where they begin to cry. I know God can.
So I am driven into prayer for people - taking them to God and telling Him what is in my heart for them.
So here I am again - at God's feet once again - as always...
He is my God
He is who I turn to

Anyway - must go
God bless to you all

Painting a picture...

Let me paint a picture
A picture of a Father and His child
A 16 year old kid - and of His Saviour

This kid is someone who finds forgiveness a difficult concept
Someone who finds it hard to see the bright side
They spend so long trying to be perfect
Trying to be strong for their Saviour...

Their obsatcle is themself
Although their passion is birthed form God
They wrestle with self imperfections
The passion and dream inside is so hard to bring to reality
They feel so weak and yet want to do so much

They want to take on the world and see so many saved
But they find their own salvation hard to understand at times
Wanting to be at the finish line
But feeling to rubbish to run the race

Yet God calls them on
He does not hate them
But His heart burns with love for them,
Even though they don't always understand.

This God is broken over them
So much so that He gave His Son for them
to restore them to Himself
He holds them in His hand when they are about to fall apart.
He holds them close when they are too tired to think

His words bring clarity and exactness to their confusing mind
His love cracks the shell they are in
and their torn emotion and feelings spill out
they cry
and God holds them
This God doesn't leave them helpless

But sees that they are too weak to save themselves
in compassion He loves them still
He promises to sanctify them
To make them into His image
To make them like His Son.

This God doesn't give up on His children
He is the strength they don't have
He is their comfort in a sharp world
He is their truth when their are surrounded with lies.
He speaks truth to them and sets them free from their sin

This God is Holy and beautiful
But He is not afraid to reach out and touch those who are stained
He embraces them and makes them clean again

He lets them know that they are weak in themselves
But that He is with them
That they do not need to be strong themsleves
and indeed they cannot
But instead urges them to dependance on Him
Their only one
Their Lord
Jesus their light, their friend, their co-sufferer

This kid is me
This friend their Saviour is Jesus
The picture goes on
till next time...

Part of a family...

Hello people
Thought I'd let you know my sore throat is better which is cool. I did get a cough afterwards but now that is gone as well. So Thanks to God for making me better so soon.

I am excited at the moment. The reason being that about a week ago, I saw one of my managers from work (I work at McDonalds Friday nights and part of Saturday) wearing this hoodie - which said something about Christian Unions on it. That would be really cool because if she is a CHRISTian then I will have someone to talk and relate to at work. That is such a cool thing for me.

I haven't asked her yet about it - but it would be so so cool if she is. It's just the idea of having someone else from God's family in the same workplace, that I can hang with. It reminds me of just how good fellowship is.
When I became a Christian, I became part of a family as well. God's family is so different from any other club or family like structure.

There's something so special and right about being able to sit down with people and pray for them and encourage them in their walk with God... and also when they reflect the same to you by praying with you and helping you see the bright side when things are down.
This is what being part of church is like - and it is beautiful.
There's something so right about a family where people bear eachothers' hurts and yet share eachothers' happiness.
Where Jesus shines through relationships.
Where people are forgivings and understanding towards eachother.
Where people are patient with ach other and help teach eachother.
Where you can cry together when it hurts, and laugh together when things are good.

This type of family is so beautiful and so special - we should do everything we can to preserve it. Not only that but to keep building eachother up and encouraging eachother so that we all "reach unity in the faith" (as Paul [i think] put it).

I love church so much because of being able to be with people there. I love this blogworld as well because of everyone I can talk to and share with.
I think God shines through His church, as His people love and care for eachother. It's an amazing witness to the world.
Jesus' words hang with me here

John 13:35 (New International Version)
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

There are so many times when I have felt discouraged and down, but it is through people belonging to God - those you are His children - that I have received encouragement and patience.
It's very easy on your own to get discourgaed by a whole host of things... not least our own sin which is so painful to have. I long to be perfect like my Saviour, but I am not there yet. When I sin I feel like I'm walking away from Jesus, the one who showed such kindness to me.
For that reson my sin is disgusting to me and I hate it.
But isn't it easy to hate yourself as well because of your imperfections and loose sight of the fact that God's love runs deep enough to overcome them.

Maybe you are in a horrible place where you can find it hard to trust that God's forgiveness is there for you, and that He really does love you. But remember that noone on earth is perfectly righteous and blameless before God on their own.
You may think that although everyone is under sin - some people deserve salvation more than others, because their sin is less than yours.
You might think that God is willing to forgive other people but not you.
To a person feeling like that, remember that Jesus is the one who said these words:

Mark 2:17 (New International Version)
On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

If you feel sick and weak because of your sin then Jesus is the very person who comes to heal you with forgiveness. It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. Jesus had compassion for the people who knew that they were lost in sin. Those who wanted to be cleansed believed Jesus and He cleansed them.

God encourages me so much through his family
People who remind me of truth of how God genuinely does care for me.
When people encourage me and care about how I am feeling.
When people pray with me and for me.
When people are patient with me as I struggle
When people bring prophetic words of encouragement, showing that God knows where I am and cares about how I am feeling.

This is deep love and brings me back to a place where I know God's grace and love towards myself - because it has been revealed to me through the body of Christ. In helping me know Christ more I realise more how my sins are covered by His blood and how I can appraoch God freely.
Peter sums this up beautifully

1 Peter 4:8 (New International Version)
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.


Hope that brings some encouragement to anyone reading. And if you are feeling down...
then have a pat on the back from me and know that God does not give up on those He loves.
And you can know God loves you by the fact that He sent His only Son - to remove your sins by giving up His life for you. God wouldn't give His Son for someone He didn't have time for.

God will not give you up just because you are still growing

Hosea 11:8 (New International Version)
"How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zeboiim? My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused.

or again

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

God is mighty to save you. His arm is not too short to save. And He delights in His people. Isn't that an amazing thing to believe? Here is truth that you can trust in.

Psalm 149:4 (New International Version)
For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.

God is the befriender of the depressed. He brings me through time and again when I loose hope. He is My God and My Salvation.

Hurting with People

Hey everybody, who's stumbled across this blog. God knows you by name. From the before the beginning of the world He knew you.

Hope you're all doing ok...
If you're not, then I hope this will encourage you,
I wanted to share this with you anyway.

On Monday morning, before I walked into my form room at school, I had this thought.
If I was already sitting at my desk, and Jesus came into the room, God's only Son. What kind of person would He be? Jesus was gentle and humble - God's Spirit was on upon Him - He felt and knew people's needs - He shared emotionally wiith them - He loved people.

Isaiah 42:3 (New International Version)
A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

So I should try and do the same.
Because I might be the only person in some peoples' lives who ever tries to show love or listen to them.
Could Jesus touch people on a Monday morning through me just spending time with people?
I could just hang with them and be a friend to them.
I never thought of evangelism that way before. Before it was me wanting to see the end result. I wanted to just see people saved.

But I myself have taken so long to grow into knowing - that God actually does love me.
Other people may well take time to recognise that as well.
And I have friends at school who come from much worse circumstances than I do. They need someone to love them and listen to them. To share with them emotionally. Not someone so warped with a passion for God that they can't relate to them. Jesus was passionate about His Heavenly Father. But He was still able to listen care and love for people. He was balanced

So in trying to emulate that at school. I learn't a few things about loving people. I'm quite restless in conversation with people.
Maybe I need to be a little more peaceful, a bit more quiet, and listen to people.

Depressed people are going to find it hard to see the bright side. And there are so many people at school who are depressed.
I'm glad sometime I feel down and depressed myself. All the better I can know what it's like to be in the shoes of some people I know.

Isaiah 53:4 (New International Version)
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows...

If this is waht Jesus did, as His diciples let us do the same. Lets show the same love to the world that was shown to us. Let us carry our lights and let them shine.
So lets reach out to heal and support. Don't break brusied reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks. People so often feel like that.

Looking back on the week, God has touched people.
This is how He helped me...
On Thursday night I got a sore throat - and It was one of those really horrible ones. I'm wrting this Sunday morning and I still feel it a bit. Thursday and Friday were really hectic. Stress packed and too tired to concentrate on stuff, I really felt like throwing in the towel as far as school work was concerned.

But guess what?
So many of my mates were feeling the same.
In fact they often feel incredibly depressed and stressed. They just want a break.
It must hurt so much more to have to deal with the pressure of life and A-Levels and hormones when you don't know Jesus your Saviour.

I can understand why they go out and get drunk on the weekends sometimes - they want a way out - they want to enjoy themselves. I'm not saying that they go the right way about it, but that I feel for them.

I'm glad I was overliad with needing to do school work without the time to do it.
I'm glad my throat was caning me.
I'm glad I felt like giving it up.
Even Jesus felt the same before the cross - But He submited to His Father's will and loved the world by taking the wiegth of our sin for us - so we could be free.
Jesus shared in our humanity. He felt as we do.
I'm glad that I will go through pain like Him and like others I know. It allows me to share in His experinece - and to reach out to others better.

So smiles it's smiles for me
I pray it will be also for you

Thanks to God for being so good, and thanks for all the other things You've done this week that have ben so encouraging. Thanks for everyone reading - I pray that You bless them and encourage them wherever they are emotionally or physically.
Thanks that You are here God by You Spirit.
Thanks for being my Counsellor and all that that entails.
Thanks for being their Counsellor and their friend.
At school - take all of me God - Be the Saviour of my friends through me.
Be the comforter of the people I know
Be the healer of those I know
Be the befriender of those I don't
Be the hope of people.

Amen

Hope in God

This week has overall been good again. Which is cool - I'm starting to appreciate though - the low points that do come along every so often - beacuse when they are over - God always seems to have brought something good out of it - renewed confidence in Him, a better knowledge of just how much He cares.

I thought about this the other day. Suppose you were a soldier and someone gave you a huge steel sword. At first you might be inexperienced using it - you would probably be careless - it would probably be heavy and hard to handle. Although it has the potential to slice the heads off your enemies, it requires experience and tact in order to use it in that way.

Drawing a a parallel to God's word . Although it is absolute and true - a double edged sword as the Bible describes it. It is often through the mess that we go through in life that we learn to seize the weapon God has given us and use it. At first when I became a Christian - any struggle , spiritually or otherwise I faced, I would throw everything I had at it to overcome. Every last ounce of energy and enthusisam - all the will power I could muster.

But hey - a little over 12 months later, and not so apparently as hyped as at first - it is now that I look up to God and the love He has showed me - and I see that His promises of love and grace and forgivemess were there all along to help me
- that I could trust in them and find peace
- that God could overcome my struggles with me.
His sword of truth has been there all along. Now I see that it is His word which guides and protects me... not my own passion or heart for God. It is God who is my Saviour, not my passion for Him.
His are the words
- that defeats the discouragement Satan throws at me
- that gives me peace and confidence when my feelings try to say otherwise (Psalm 71:5) NIV
- that gives me comfort when I am down (Psalm 42:5) NIV
- that gives me hope because Jesus is coming back one day to take me and His church to be with Him forever (1 Thessalonians 4:17) NIV

Hype, enthusiasm, and feeling so rarely (if ever) last - but God's affection is forever. His love is light to my thoughts. My thoughts decieve me otherwise as I am dragged down with discouragement every time I fail.

The concept of grace - for me - was not something I instantly was intimate with.
But through all the times I have hated myself foe being rubbish - I have had to learn to grapple with grace more and more. Now I find it easier to trust God. I still have loads to learn, to mature and to grow. But God will see me through. Just as a soldier needs to grow in experience and is not instantly a warrior - so as Christians it may take time for us to grow - true, in the "not yet" we will struggle...

But that is exactly where we are refined - that is God's love to perfect and teach His beloved children. That they may know Him more.

Psalm 143 (New International Version)
1 O LORD , hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
....
6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah
7 Answer me quickly, O LORD ;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD ,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD , preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

God will destroy my enemey my Accuser - the Accuser of our brothers (as He is described in Revelation 12:10 NIV)
Philemon 1:25 - The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. (NIV)

It's been a Good week

Hello everyone,
went back to school this week, kinda was looking forward to it in a way - seeing friends and everything.
I've really "felt" a lot better this week. It's weird though because when I say that, it's not my feelings that have made it a better week. Only God helping me hold onto His grace more tightly so I can really live for Him.

I've been thinking also, about how I so often judge so many things according to how I'm feeling. That could well be why I sometimes feel so messed up - beause my emotions are up and down all over the place. Not only have I judged myself according to how I feel instead of God's grace, but I also try and discern what God wants me to do by what I "feel" He wants me to do.

That may sound quite innocent, but it could be really dangerous also. It is unwise to just try and feel out God's will when my emotions are so non-constant. I want to really try and use my head and ask God for wisdom to handle His word carefully to discern His will. Then I can worship God more with my mind also.

This doesn't make it all easy. But it is a step closer to how I think God wants us to worship. God's promises and words are the only true ans stable foundation we can walk on. Our own feelings can be deceptive and instable. If I always lived by how I felt, then if my feeling were in conflict with God's word, then I would begin to live in disobediance and unbelief.
If I walk away from God and trust more in how I feel, than His promise of Grace and Him being my counsellor by His Spirit He has left with me, then I will believe a lie, that I am condemned and useless and worthless.

Psalm 13v2-6
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.

(New International Version)

David wrestles with his thoughts. He has sorrow in his heart. He feels like his enemy is triumphing over him. I relate to that where I sometimes feel like I will never improve and my failings will forever accuse me and triumph over me.
But what does David say at the end?
But I TRUST in You unfailing love, My heart rejoices in Your salvation
And that is where my joy is - In God's salvation of me - not in how I feel
Finally David can say that he will sing to the LORD.
Trusting in God's love above how he felt and all his anguish - resulted in worship.

I want to do the same
God Bless

Immaturity

Hey
I thought I would carry on posting,
If people care enough to read and comment - then I owe them to let them know how things are.

Things are better I suppose - but it doesn't feel like it so it is hard to know
I've spent alot of time thinking but it doesn't solve anything - my thoughts tend to be quite mixed up anyway.

On my last post I said that I shouldn't even think about ministry at the moment, basically because I haven't been obediant to God. I haven't been responsible in small things, so how can I help God's flock.

In a sense that is true - but ministry can mean simply serving and loving people
That is my duty all the time
Maybe what I meant, is that I'm not fit for leadership. That is what I've almost set myself up for. And now I'm thinking, why am I trying to fill a place which God maybe hasn't called me to do. I don't think God has called me to lead people - especially not yet as I am so inexperienced. Paul told Timothy the same thing in chhosing people to lead or oversee. But I have assumed that position allbeit in small ways.

That means I am not caring for His flock like I should. I am being irresponsible with my time. And the things God has called me to do are neglected - LIKE SCHOOL WORK

Also I have a problem with being so pessimistic about everything. People don't appreciate me being gloomy and never seeing anything good in anything. If I constantly complain and have nothing good to say, How does that help build others up?
I need to think a bit more positively and lighten up.
But I also need to be honest with God about how I feel. And I cannot pretend to be joyful and happy when I really am not. That is what I struggle with.
I can try to be positive but what is that except an outward image. I feel rubbish
And it hurts to feel rubbish all the time

The more I think about God, the more rubbish I see myself.
He gives me His Spirit to guide me and teach me - so I can be a better person for Him.

But sometimes I get messed up and take His guidance and turn it into condemnation for myself. Why I do this I don't know...

When God brings something to mind that I need to change
That word is intended to grow me and show me love
But I have this terrible problem where I only see where I am lacking and choose to hate myself for it

I don't know what to do. If every time God speaks to me about something I need to correct, I take it the wrong way and take it out on myself.
When will I ever get a grasp on Grace?
This seems more than a phase for me
It's like a disease I have
The biggest block to me walking with God...

Is myself

I say I am probably doing better - but I really don't know
When God tells me over and over and over again that He does love me
I beleive it for a few hours... a day
And then I slip into despair again

Eventually I am at the point where I try and block out that God could possibly love me
I am sacred that I am hardening myself to God's voice.

Occasionally God makes things perfectly clear and it all seems alright
But after that, it seems to dissappear and I think that my emotions must have lied to me.

I am caught in the "not yet"
In the immature
In the "I know what I should be, but I am not"

and it seems there is no way out
I am forever returning to disbelief and condemning myself
I feel really really lost

Why am I hard hearted and slow to learn slow to believe

Having said that I get comfort from the fact that Jesus diciples walked with Him 3 years and still had trouble believing - and they were far from perfect
some of their ideas and failing seem almost as messed up as mine - yet look a what happened over time they spent with Jesus

Also I know that when Jesus comes back, we will all be made like Him
maybe we will not struggle anymore with our rubbishness
I look forward to that

Anyway
that's all for now
Hope everyone is doing ok
I feel it right to mention the tsunami at the moment

that is so much bigger than anything I am going through
I can't explain why God lets certain things happen
but I know that people often turn to Him when things like this happen
And I pray that anyone caught up in this at the moment, will be kept safe and God will carry you through the hurt however long it lasts

I don't really know what to say
But you have my thoughts

Getting on and doing it

i might not be posting for a while after this
I spend too much time doing things which maybe God hasn't called me to do instead of addressing the issues in my life that really need to be dealt with
My lazy attitude being of prime concern
Some things are easy for me to do. But when it comes to those nitty gritty things that I don't care about deep down but that God calls me to do, I'm a complete shambles.

School at the moment is really important. But I've been disobeying God far too long in not giving 100% effort to it. I've made very excuse under the sun, but at the end of the day...
disobediance is disobediance.

I'm in no position to teach anybody anything at the moment. Sin is sin. And it is always wrong. I'm no less guilty than anyone else no matter what their failure. I'm no higher than anyone else.
But i've been outright wrong., and need to get a lot of things sorted before I even think about ministry at the moment.

So I'm gone for a while
and I'll keep quiet

Thanks for everyone who's helped and encouraged me recently.
Thanks to God for helping get my attiude a bit straighter
I just need to get on and obey God

Believing God....

Well it's Tuesday night,
and so far I have not done a very good job at "pressing on". It seems that right at the point when I am most enthusiatic about getting it right, I fall.

I'm not trying hard enough at school, academically. And I'm just being so lazy and have felt so guilty over it. My recent tests have been poor and it's through simply not revising and not concentrating in lessons. Absoulutely my fault.
I feel attacked with accusations that are true about my failure to live how God would want me to do. Not making the best of my resources to serve God.

My parents are using their authortity to reshape my priorities (and rightly so) which are up the spout. I'm guessing my messed up prioities are a result of me spiritualising everything. As a consequence, things like education mean little to me as I figure that God can get me where I need to be if I put Him first. School feel like chains around my feet dragging me down when I feel desperate to spend some time with God.

But putting Him first does not mean neglecting my work to think about Him. It means worshiping Him through my responsibilities, by doing my work. I need to sort that out however painful that is.

But I'm beginning to realise, that in order to press on and not give up, like how Paul said in Philippians...
I am going to have to walk in grace all the time. There is no way I can continue to get so "hung up" (as Penny put it) over how I am doing.

And grace is a matter of faith. It is God's promise, the righteous will live by faith. Romans talks about it alot.
If I don't start believing God and taking Him at His word that I am indeed forgiven and wiped clean, then how will I ever press on?
Everytime God speaks loving words full of grace to me, through the Bible, through people (like George and Penny and Pat and Ann), during worship, I feel like I want to cry...

God soaks me in how much He loves me so often and I just break down and cry. But then only 24 hours later, at the end of another day, I am ridden with guilt over failure and about not being marked out as a Christian as much as I should.

Within such a short time period I find it near impossible to believe that God could ever love me.
Until, that is, I read my mail, and see a message from my blog, telling me that George had posted a comment full of love and patience to encourage me and help me out.
Thanks George. Thanks for being there to minister to me becasue it means so much.
I would probably give up completely if God didn't meet me to remind me of His grace through people like you.

Well, I have to go, and get some sleep
I need to believe God when He says that I am under grace. I need to believe Him when He says that He loves me. Not only during church or when someine is there to encourage me. But during the shcool day also. When I feel exposed in a secular and sin saturated world.

Thanks God for being there to help me out
Thanks for the people you send
and the words You speak
Thank You that You are there

Looking up... :)

Hey everyone

Thanks so much to everyone whose been praying for me
I'm well sorry for moaning and complaining so much recently. But thanks for responding in love
I'm so thankful for this family belonging to Christ that I am part of
You are all fantastic...EACH one of you

Mike gave an interpreation in church tonight
about lifting our hearts up and not getting buried under everything and dragged down.
That word from God broke me
I always focus on how badly I feel oppressed. And I get down and think negatively about how rubbish I am.

But we need to look up, to Him who can save us.
what Gareth said in youth chuch this morning about knowledge, belief and faith, ties in with it.
I cry out to God under oppression and accusation...
I believe He can save me, after all He is all powerfull.
But where is my faith, that confidence in what I believe. I want to be cnfident in my Savoiur

God has ministered to me so much today
I am so thankful. It's like all His attention had been focussed on seeing me through and loving me and teaching me what I need so desperately.
Mike's whole sermon was on some verses in Phillipians that have meant so so much to me recently.

Presing on towards the goal
Striving for the prize, even under oppression
being poured out like a drink offering, just like Jesus was.
Keeping on for God in His strength - and my weakness
Forgetting what is behind and keep persevering

These thoughts have been instruction, comfort, encouragement and bread to me
It is not about the oppression we will all walk through or how much we feel God.

It is about having a deep desire and yearning to see His name lifted high, far higher than any power
We worship Him, Almighty God, Holy and beautiful and true

This week, THIS WEEK
I am going to struggle for you God
I trust YOU, not anyone else, to be there
Even when I am in the desert, Even when accused by Satan and oppressed by all his power

I will Press on
And serve my brothers, and live like one set free by THE Saviour

It is for freedom You've set us free
I am not at all perfect, BUT I thank you for those places where through YOU, I will love freely, care freely, pray freely, and be free from sin

Thank You Jesus - my strength and salvation, My rock, my fortress, My MIGHTY Warrior
In You I trust

Amen

little by little...

I keep going up and down
but hey its how God see things that's important

This week has been a mess. I have felt rubbish every single day from morning to night.
Feeling like such a poor Christian I should be shot!
But it's hard to figure out why...

I was preparing for small (cell) groups, and I wanted to in some way, to help Christy, Joel and Daniel take their individual weaknesses to God. Sometimes it's hard to see if they even have any, because everything seems to be going fine for them. But I thought they must strugle with some things even if it is not foremost on their mind.

So I began to write down a list of areas of sin or general weakness that I used to - or still do struggle with myself. And this list got really long.
Most of these areas aren't shocking or "big". But they are there.
Areas like, assuming God has said something when He hasn't...
or being too talkative in classes at school
or not going that extra mile to do something good
or not taking that opportunity to do good where I should

There's so much more as well as that. Sins that build up over the course of the day that rip you apart so bad that by the time you get home you are too depressed to even pray properly. And then you forget to pray for people as well.

BUT BUT BUT

Salavtion is free!!! It's free
Not only do I not have to earn it... - I can't earn it

Hebrews 3 v7-8
So, as the Holy Spirit says:
"Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion,

v12
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.
(NIV)

I need to take God at His word when He says not to harden my heart, and to put faith in Him. I need to "hold firmly till the end the confidence we [I] had at first"(NIV)
That simple turst that... Jesus you have wiped my sin, my failings... Your power is made perfect in my weakness.
Press on, Press on!!!
Do your best, don't get down.
Maybe you do deserve to be shot, but rememeber... why grace was given to you

Like Paul said:
Ephesians 3:8
Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,(NIV)

Why the grace!!! to preach to unsearchable riches of Christ - to do His work, to serve people.
Yes it may be tough, I may fail, I may be rubbished, Peole may not even respond to God's message. But I must not bury my talent in the ground. I will use the little that God has given me and do my best.
I must I must I must
so

little by little - We go on - God and me... Him carrying and walking with me - being my warior and fighting for me while I fight for the people He wants to reach

That sounds very noble
A high and mature attitude
but Iwant to adopt it.
if you want, please pray that God would bring me into this
It is Him who makes me grow

I may well feel rubbish. But I need to take God at His word and promise of salvation, and press on to serve people
Learn to Serve!!!

Amen
Thanks Jesus - I trust you