Getting on and doing it

i might not be posting for a while after this
I spend too much time doing things which maybe God hasn't called me to do instead of addressing the issues in my life that really need to be dealt with
My lazy attitude being of prime concern
Some things are easy for me to do. But when it comes to those nitty gritty things that I don't care about deep down but that God calls me to do, I'm a complete shambles.

School at the moment is really important. But I've been disobeying God far too long in not giving 100% effort to it. I've made very excuse under the sun, but at the end of the day...
disobediance is disobediance.

I'm in no position to teach anybody anything at the moment. Sin is sin. And it is always wrong. I'm no less guilty than anyone else no matter what their failure. I'm no higher than anyone else.
But i've been outright wrong., and need to get a lot of things sorted before I even think about ministry at the moment.

So I'm gone for a while
and I'll keep quiet

Thanks for everyone who's helped and encouraged me recently.
Thanks to God for helping get my attiude a bit straighter
I just need to get on and obey God

Believing God....

Well it's Tuesday night,
and so far I have not done a very good job at "pressing on". It seems that right at the point when I am most enthusiatic about getting it right, I fall.

I'm not trying hard enough at school, academically. And I'm just being so lazy and have felt so guilty over it. My recent tests have been poor and it's through simply not revising and not concentrating in lessons. Absoulutely my fault.
I feel attacked with accusations that are true about my failure to live how God would want me to do. Not making the best of my resources to serve God.

My parents are using their authortity to reshape my priorities (and rightly so) which are up the spout. I'm guessing my messed up prioities are a result of me spiritualising everything. As a consequence, things like education mean little to me as I figure that God can get me where I need to be if I put Him first. School feel like chains around my feet dragging me down when I feel desperate to spend some time with God.

But putting Him first does not mean neglecting my work to think about Him. It means worshiping Him through my responsibilities, by doing my work. I need to sort that out however painful that is.

But I'm beginning to realise, that in order to press on and not give up, like how Paul said in Philippians...
I am going to have to walk in grace all the time. There is no way I can continue to get so "hung up" (as Penny put it) over how I am doing.

And grace is a matter of faith. It is God's promise, the righteous will live by faith. Romans talks about it alot.
If I don't start believing God and taking Him at His word that I am indeed forgiven and wiped clean, then how will I ever press on?
Everytime God speaks loving words full of grace to me, through the Bible, through people (like George and Penny and Pat and Ann), during worship, I feel like I want to cry...

God soaks me in how much He loves me so often and I just break down and cry. But then only 24 hours later, at the end of another day, I am ridden with guilt over failure and about not being marked out as a Christian as much as I should.

Within such a short time period I find it near impossible to believe that God could ever love me.
Until, that is, I read my mail, and see a message from my blog, telling me that George had posted a comment full of love and patience to encourage me and help me out.
Thanks George. Thanks for being there to minister to me becasue it means so much.
I would probably give up completely if God didn't meet me to remind me of His grace through people like you.

Well, I have to go, and get some sleep
I need to believe God when He says that I am under grace. I need to believe Him when He says that He loves me. Not only during church or when someine is there to encourage me. But during the shcool day also. When I feel exposed in a secular and sin saturated world.

Thanks God for being there to help me out
Thanks for the people you send
and the words You speak
Thank You that You are there

Looking up... :)

Hey everyone

Thanks so much to everyone whose been praying for me
I'm well sorry for moaning and complaining so much recently. But thanks for responding in love
I'm so thankful for this family belonging to Christ that I am part of
You are all fantastic...EACH one of you

Mike gave an interpreation in church tonight
about lifting our hearts up and not getting buried under everything and dragged down.
That word from God broke me
I always focus on how badly I feel oppressed. And I get down and think negatively about how rubbish I am.

But we need to look up, to Him who can save us.
what Gareth said in youth chuch this morning about knowledge, belief and faith, ties in with it.
I cry out to God under oppression and accusation...
I believe He can save me, after all He is all powerfull.
But where is my faith, that confidence in what I believe. I want to be cnfident in my Savoiur

God has ministered to me so much today
I am so thankful. It's like all His attention had been focussed on seeing me through and loving me and teaching me what I need so desperately.
Mike's whole sermon was on some verses in Phillipians that have meant so so much to me recently.

Presing on towards the goal
Striving for the prize, even under oppression
being poured out like a drink offering, just like Jesus was.
Keeping on for God in His strength - and my weakness
Forgetting what is behind and keep persevering

These thoughts have been instruction, comfort, encouragement and bread to me
It is not about the oppression we will all walk through or how much we feel God.

It is about having a deep desire and yearning to see His name lifted high, far higher than any power
We worship Him, Almighty God, Holy and beautiful and true

This week, THIS WEEK
I am going to struggle for you God
I trust YOU, not anyone else, to be there
Even when I am in the desert, Even when accused by Satan and oppressed by all his power

I will Press on
And serve my brothers, and live like one set free by THE Saviour

It is for freedom You've set us free
I am not at all perfect, BUT I thank you for those places where through YOU, I will love freely, care freely, pray freely, and be free from sin

Thank You Jesus - my strength and salvation, My rock, my fortress, My MIGHTY Warrior
In You I trust

Amen