Well it's Tuesday night,
and so far I have not done a very good job at "pressing on". It seems that right at the point when I am most enthusiatic about getting it right, I fall.
I'm not trying hard enough at school, academically. And I'm just being so lazy and have felt so guilty over it. My recent tests have been poor and it's through simply not revising and not concentrating in lessons. Absoulutely my fault.
I feel attacked with accusations that are true about my failure to live how God would want me to do. Not making the best of my resources to serve God.
My parents are using their authortity to reshape my priorities (and rightly so) which are up the spout. I'm guessing my messed up prioities are a result of me spiritualising everything. As a consequence, things like education mean little to me as I figure that God can get me where I need to be if I put Him first. School feel like chains around my feet dragging me down when I feel desperate to spend some time with God.
But putting Him first does not mean neglecting my work to think about Him. It means worshiping Him through my responsibilities, by doing my work. I need to sort that out however painful that is.
But I'm beginning to realise, that in order to press on and not give up, like how Paul said in Philippians...
I am going to have to walk in grace all the time. There is no way I can continue to get so "hung up" (as Penny put it) over how I am doing.
And grace is a matter of faith. It is God's promise, the righteous will live by faith. Romans talks about it alot.
If I don't start believing God and taking Him at His word that I am indeed forgiven and wiped clean, then how will I ever press on?
Everytime God speaks loving words full of grace to me, through the Bible, through people (like George and Penny and Pat and Ann), during worship, I feel like I want to cry...
God soaks me in how much He loves me so often and I just break down and cry. But then only 24 hours later, at the end of another day, I am ridden with guilt over failure and about not being marked out as a Christian as much as I should.
Within such a short time period I find it near impossible to believe that God could ever love me.
Until, that is, I read my mail, and see a message from my blog, telling me that George had posted a comment full of love and patience to encourage me and help me out.
Thanks George. Thanks for being there to minister to me becasue it means so much.
I would probably give up completely if God didn't meet me to remind me of His grace through people like you.
Well, I have to go, and get some sleep
I need to believe God when He says that I am under grace. I need to believe Him when He says that He loves me. Not only during church or when someine is there to encourage me. But during the shcool day also. When I feel exposed in a secular and sin saturated world.
Thanks God for being there to help me out
Thanks for the people you send
and the words You speak
Thank You that You are there
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3 comments:
Shasa,
I have found that Satan works in so many ways to drag us down. One way to begin to handle this is to think in opposites when you're under attack.
For example, before a person becomes a Christian, Satan does not want them to understand the enormity of sin, and so he tells them "You don't need saving! You're fine - it's everyone else who has real problems" Then, when you become a Christian, the lie changes to "You? You think God could love someone as awful as you? You'll always be useless/sinful/etc., etc. ,"
The truth is, we DID need saving, and that is exactly what God did.
Teh fact that we STAY that way is an act of God's grace, to which there is no limit. And yes, we do live in a "sin saturated world". But that is also the real meaning of Christmas. It is IMMANUEL - God with us - not only reaching out to a fallen world, but coming here in person, not only to save us, but also to fully enter into what it means to live here as one of us.
When it gets you down - HE KNOWS - life got Him down at times, too
When you feel you have failed - HE KNOWS - Christ never did "fit" as people felt He should
And when there are just too many questions - He also asked "Why?"
You and He are more alike than you think
Commit each day to Him, and yourself to each day, Shasa. Grace is no good unless you accept it, and then use it. Lean heavily into it, like a generator, and take as much as you need.
Have a good day
Shasa, my friend, finding balance in our lives is one more part of pressing on for Him. Hang in there--I remember when I was first a committed Christian, I did spiritualize everything, too. Not only can it distract you from being a good steward of your time, work, etc., it also can turn off other people (especially parents). So hang in there--and don't lose sight of things--because, as you keep on top of things, you can serve God and not worry about whether you're doing enough for Him!
Ya know, as I read this post it sounds like I wrote it. All the things I feel and have felt for many years. Wow...
So, maybe I should just blog about this and you can read it there.... maybe not.
Yes, I think I will blog my feelings on this one so the teens will read it. Sorry for wasting this space!!
Love ya Shasa!!!!
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