These thoughts...

Sorry I havn't posted in so long everyone
things have been so busy
with school work and stuff

I hope things are going well for everyone.
I'm really struggling with what to write today
I want to write about something I struggle with
Something I cannot understand and cannot fight
But something which God never-the-less delivers me from

I get these thoughts all the time in my head
thoughts that command obediance
but I'm unsure if it really is God.
Thoughts that condemn unless I can find a Biblical basis for not obeying them
Thoughts that try and dictate eveything...
from the shirt I choose in the morning, to what I eat for lunch
To anyone reading - I don't know if anyone really understands this.
But I struggle with it all the time
I am rubbish at explaining it
and what I have written may not flow easily
and it might sound pretty messy.
Anyway, this is it

This is the pattern
This is my cycle

I walk, happy
gentle smiles
quiet joy
no anxiety, no worry

Then suddenly
A thought cries out in my head
who is this from I ask?
is this You God?
or is this the voice of legalism?

I cannot tell
I'm confused
I'm worried
I have been here before
but I have been caught out again

I obey the thought
I obey again and again
not knowing the speaker
the command becomes burdensome
Then I break away
I choose my own will instead
Yet I am not sure if or if not it was God who spoke
so I feel guilty
This is sin, because my action was not from faith

This is guilt
you smash me up
you steal my joy
you rip me apart
you entangle me and bring me down
you rob my zeal

you leave me crippled
discouraged
silenced
face in the mud

where has the enthusism gone?
I am weak, poor in spirit
I feel worthless
How can I do anything for God
I mess up everything I touch

Here I feel like a cripple, lying on my face

...

Then in my silence
You speak...
My Father, Daddy, God
Saviour, Lover...
You break my confused mess with Love and Truth

"I don't want you to be a cripple any more...
Get up and walk"

Thank You LORD that You want me to live
that You love me enough to heal me
Thank You for these words

How you understand me
Awesome are You
Author of Restoration
Author of my peace

Although my sickness confuses me
I cannot contend with legalism
But there is One who can

His Name is the LORD God Almighty
He is Wise, Faithful and True
He is unfoolable
He is Truth and speaks Truth
You understand me and my enemy
By Your truth You deliver me

Please make Your words part of me
Embed Your Truth in me
Now I want to hold to You tighter than anything in the world
Take me LORD
You are my Hope
my Vision
my Everything

Saviour, I know very little
but I know this
You are the one I look to when I cannot see anything
I do not understand this
But You always come through

You are my God

Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
(New International Version)

The LORD my Counselor

Hey everyone,
I would try and write more conventional post this week... but I'm enjoying writing poetry far too much. Thank You LORD for poetry.
I love how God gives us so many ways of worshipping Him and expressing ourselves. Yet sometimes it is really hard to express what we're feeling inside...
that can last for ages and it does hurt sometimes
but then God has a way of helping me let it all out to Him.

Sometimes that happens in prayer
sometimes in Church in worship
sometimes I just cry
or just smile
I've been thinking about expressing worship through painting as well recently
Now God's opened my eyes to the beauty of poetry.

Here's what I feel when I get home some days
on those days wher nothing much seems to happen
when things seem a bit motionless
The conversation between my heart and God's
(this goes on fairly long again)...

So here I am LORD
I come home from that world
that world - out there
It feels so sharp, so harsh at times
Maybe it's because it's a fallen world
or maybe...
it's me
weak and sinful me.

What am I to think...?

Well I havn't been perfect today LORD
I sinned there... and there as well
Thanks for loving me anyway
You're so good.

So I'm coming to You again, at the end of the day
I don't have any big thoughts today
nothing jumps out of my heart at the moement
I don't feel very inspired

Infact I feel a little weary, maybe a bit deadened.
Sin hurts God.. It hurts us both
Also when I loose vision of You - it feels really easy to do that
So I turn to You
... My Daily Bread
to keep me going
Thanks for being here for me when I get home
You the person I can always talk to
Thanks that I can trust in Your Salvation
Thank You for being my friend

You are so much more faithful than anything I know

As I sit here...
on my bed
or kneel on my knees
I forget the meaningless
and You fill my thoughts.

You capture me God
In that quiet place
You and me
You are like love all around me now
I'm like a kid in Your arms
Surrounded in Your sea of love

More than surrounded
but covered
more than covered
I feel complete in You
I want to dissolve in the flood of Love you give
Your love feels warm around me
not physical
It is deeper...
Your loves causes something deep inside

My heart responds
I am filled with words
I talk to you
I pray
I tell You what You have planted inside me

I know you smile and brim with love
As I pour myself out to You
Oh You God, My Maker
Maker of All things.

Wonderful Counselor
You help me connect when I can't
You speak Words to me to love me.
When I find it hard to be concious of You
You sometimes flood me like this
You are always the one who paves the way

You help me pray
You carry me

The same way it has always been
Right from the start
I couldn't find You
So You came to me
You showed me light and invited me in
You payed the price I couldn't
You work the wonders I can't
And share Your heart with me

You are true to Your word God

1 Corinthians 6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
(NewInternational Version)

You are so close here God
You are the author of creativity
and the author of expression
You are the author of my prayers sometimes God
The author of my hearts response

Wonderful Counselor
Noone like You
Not above
Not below
Only You know me LORD

You know these thoughts
these hurts
this quietness
this silence
...also this noise
this loud sound
this aching passion.

You know me in completeness
You are able to speak to me like noone else can
Able to truly comfort and restore

Your words are more than thoughts or sounds
they really are alive
They build me
and at the same time - soften me

...

As I sit here You lsiten once agin
You speak
You counsel me
You are my resting place
I can fall on You when I am tired
Thank You LORD
You are with me

I've got homework now
Another chance to worship You
Aaaragh, that hurts
I don't want to be lazy
I afraid I won't give myself completely to You
But Your grace will help me through

You are God
I love You God
Here I go
Work time...