Sorry I havn't posted in so long everyone
things have been so busy
with school work and stuff
I hope things are going well for everyone.
I'm really struggling with what to write today
I want to write about something I struggle with
Something I cannot understand and cannot fight
But something which God never-the-less delivers me from
I get these thoughts all the time in my head
thoughts that command obediance
but I'm unsure if it really is God.
Thoughts that condemn unless I can find a Biblical basis for not obeying them
Thoughts that try and dictate eveything...
from the shirt I choose in the morning, to what I eat for lunch
To anyone reading - I don't know if anyone really understands this.
But I struggle with it all the time
I am rubbish at explaining it
and what I have written may not flow easily
and it might sound pretty messy.
Anyway, this is it
This is the pattern
This is my cycle
I walk, happy
gentle smiles
quiet joy
no anxiety, no worry
Then suddenly
A thought cries out in my head
who is this from I ask?
is this You God?
or is this the voice of legalism?
I cannot tell
I'm confused
I'm worried
I have been here before
but I have been caught out again
I obey the thought
I obey again and again
not knowing the speaker
the command becomes burdensome
Then I break away
I choose my own will instead
Yet I am not sure if or if not it was God who spoke
so I feel guilty
This is sin, because my action was not from faith
This is guilt
you smash me up
you steal my joy
you rip me apart
you entangle me and bring me down
you rob my zeal
you leave me crippled
discouraged
silenced
face in the mud
where has the enthusism gone?
I am weak, poor in spirit
I feel worthless
How can I do anything for God
I mess up everything I touch
Here I feel like a cripple, lying on my face
...
Then in my silence
You speak...
My Father, Daddy, God
Saviour, Lover...
You break my confused mess with Love and Truth
"I don't want you to be a cripple any more...
Get up and walk"
Thank You LORD that You want me to live
that You love me enough to heal me
Thank You for these words
How you understand me
Awesome are You
Author of Restoration
Author of my peace
Although my sickness confuses me
I cannot contend with legalism
But there is One who can
His Name is the LORD God Almighty
He is Wise, Faithful and True
He is unfoolable
He is Truth and speaks Truth
You understand me and my enemy
By Your truth You deliver me
Please make Your words part of me
Embed Your Truth in me
Now I want to hold to You tighter than anything in the world
Take me LORD
You are my Hope
my Vision
my Everything
Saviour, I know very little
but I know this
You are the one I look to when I cannot see anything
I do not understand this
But You always come through
You are my God
Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
(New International Version)
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2 comments:
Shasa, you have so much faith! You are such an encouragement for us chaps in America! Thanks for updating... I love reading your poems.
Hey Shasa! Welcome back! glad you dont mind my comments! you are an inspiration! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this as i do struggle too with knowing what path to choose and whether its in faith etc (i get obsessive about lots!)
Im sorry you get burdensome thoughts, I wrote a post about this recently when i wasnt coping well with this kind of stuff.. i will put it up when i can.
i dont believe thoughts from God (or are godly) dictate or push in any way, rather they lead and we have peace about them, Knowing we cant be perfect, but having faith in what we do and submitting confusing things to God.. maybe ask for protection, dicernment each morning!
Your post has helped me too!! as my main probs this week have been feeling far from God because of leaning on my own understanding, which has crippled me in that way. and feeling very unable with everything even to have simple faith. aswel as so many anxious thoughts and worries.
Im glad God can do what we cannot, and be what we arent!
Youve written it very well, i love the second part about God coming in and taking care of everything.
Thoughts are frustrating when theyre disruptive like that.
Im not sure if what i say helps but keep up the good work :) btw ill add you to my links if you dont mind!
Hope u have a gud day today and a good Easter!
Nikki
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