Immaturity

Hey
I thought I would carry on posting,
If people care enough to read and comment - then I owe them to let them know how things are.

Things are better I suppose - but it doesn't feel like it so it is hard to know
I've spent alot of time thinking but it doesn't solve anything - my thoughts tend to be quite mixed up anyway.

On my last post I said that I shouldn't even think about ministry at the moment, basically because I haven't been obediant to God. I haven't been responsible in small things, so how can I help God's flock.

In a sense that is true - but ministry can mean simply serving and loving people
That is my duty all the time
Maybe what I meant, is that I'm not fit for leadership. That is what I've almost set myself up for. And now I'm thinking, why am I trying to fill a place which God maybe hasn't called me to do. I don't think God has called me to lead people - especially not yet as I am so inexperienced. Paul told Timothy the same thing in chhosing people to lead or oversee. But I have assumed that position allbeit in small ways.

That means I am not caring for His flock like I should. I am being irresponsible with my time. And the things God has called me to do are neglected - LIKE SCHOOL WORK

Also I have a problem with being so pessimistic about everything. People don't appreciate me being gloomy and never seeing anything good in anything. If I constantly complain and have nothing good to say, How does that help build others up?
I need to think a bit more positively and lighten up.
But I also need to be honest with God about how I feel. And I cannot pretend to be joyful and happy when I really am not. That is what I struggle with.
I can try to be positive but what is that except an outward image. I feel rubbish
And it hurts to feel rubbish all the time

The more I think about God, the more rubbish I see myself.
He gives me His Spirit to guide me and teach me - so I can be a better person for Him.

But sometimes I get messed up and take His guidance and turn it into condemnation for myself. Why I do this I don't know...

When God brings something to mind that I need to change
That word is intended to grow me and show me love
But I have this terrible problem where I only see where I am lacking and choose to hate myself for it

I don't know what to do. If every time God speaks to me about something I need to correct, I take it the wrong way and take it out on myself.
When will I ever get a grasp on Grace?
This seems more than a phase for me
It's like a disease I have
The biggest block to me walking with God...

Is myself

I say I am probably doing better - but I really don't know
When God tells me over and over and over again that He does love me
I beleive it for a few hours... a day
And then I slip into despair again

Eventually I am at the point where I try and block out that God could possibly love me
I am sacred that I am hardening myself to God's voice.

Occasionally God makes things perfectly clear and it all seems alright
But after that, it seems to dissappear and I think that my emotions must have lied to me.

I am caught in the "not yet"
In the immature
In the "I know what I should be, but I am not"

and it seems there is no way out
I am forever returning to disbelief and condemning myself
I feel really really lost

Why am I hard hearted and slow to learn slow to believe

Having said that I get comfort from the fact that Jesus diciples walked with Him 3 years and still had trouble believing - and they were far from perfect
some of their ideas and failing seem almost as messed up as mine - yet look a what happened over time they spent with Jesus

Also I know that when Jesus comes back, we will all be made like Him
maybe we will not struggle anymore with our rubbishness
I look forward to that

Anyway
that's all for now
Hope everyone is doing ok
I feel it right to mention the tsunami at the moment

that is so much bigger than anything I am going through
I can't explain why God lets certain things happen
but I know that people often turn to Him when things like this happen
And I pray that anyone caught up in this at the moment, will be kept safe and God will carry you through the hurt however long it lasts

I don't really know what to say
But you have my thoughts