little by little...

I keep going up and down
but hey its how God see things that's important

This week has been a mess. I have felt rubbish every single day from morning to night.
Feeling like such a poor Christian I should be shot!
But it's hard to figure out why...

I was preparing for small (cell) groups, and I wanted to in some way, to help Christy, Joel and Daniel take their individual weaknesses to God. Sometimes it's hard to see if they even have any, because everything seems to be going fine for them. But I thought they must strugle with some things even if it is not foremost on their mind.

So I began to write down a list of areas of sin or general weakness that I used to - or still do struggle with myself. And this list got really long.
Most of these areas aren't shocking or "big". But they are there.
Areas like, assuming God has said something when He hasn't...
or being too talkative in classes at school
or not going that extra mile to do something good
or not taking that opportunity to do good where I should

There's so much more as well as that. Sins that build up over the course of the day that rip you apart so bad that by the time you get home you are too depressed to even pray properly. And then you forget to pray for people as well.

BUT BUT BUT

Salavtion is free!!! It's free
Not only do I not have to earn it... - I can't earn it

Hebrews 3 v7-8
So, as the Holy Spirit says:
"Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion,

v12
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.
(NIV)

I need to take God at His word when He says not to harden my heart, and to put faith in Him. I need to "hold firmly till the end the confidence we [I] had at first"(NIV)
That simple turst that... Jesus you have wiped my sin, my failings... Your power is made perfect in my weakness.
Press on, Press on!!!
Do your best, don't get down.
Maybe you do deserve to be shot, but rememeber... why grace was given to you

Like Paul said:
Ephesians 3:8
Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,(NIV)

Why the grace!!! to preach to unsearchable riches of Christ - to do His work, to serve people.
Yes it may be tough, I may fail, I may be rubbished, Peole may not even respond to God's message. But I must not bury my talent in the ground. I will use the little that God has given me and do my best.
I must I must I must
so

little by little - We go on - God and me... Him carrying and walking with me - being my warior and fighting for me while I fight for the people He wants to reach

That sounds very noble
A high and mature attitude
but Iwant to adopt it.
if you want, please pray that God would bring me into this
It is Him who makes me grow

I may well feel rubbish. But I need to take God at His word and promise of salvation, and press on to serve people
Learn to Serve!!!

Amen
Thanks Jesus - I trust you

its so hard to keep happy...

I loose balance the second i find it.
More is required from me.
I cannot give it, so I have to trust God to work through me
And trust Him it will all be alright

I understand I do not have to achieve and perform to be loved
But i cannot relax and not feel guilty
In heaven I will have eternity to rest
So should I not put all myself into what God calls me to do now

The problem is even though i feel guilty relaxing. I still do it
If I don't I can't think straight.
But when I do, I relax for too long and neglect responsibilties.

I can't even get my thoughts down staright today
If you're reading you're probably a bit lost.

I seek sympathy. But I feel so selfish, I'll be honest anyway.
I am so all over the place.
In a sense it's laughable.

Anyway. God reigns and rules
Jesus is coming for me. I trust Him to do that
Can I trust myself to be ready for Him?
Ummm
Umm
Oh Dear
I'm stuck there...

I'm actually happy for the first time in ages...

It hurts so much to just do things as a chore (because we ought to) instead out of love for God. Legalsim destroys a relationship with God turning it into a routine.
I find myself constantly trying to "keep on track" by analysing everything I do - and think - , and looking at the rights and wrongs of it, and beating myself up over what a poor Christian I am.

Its so easy to miss what Jesus settled on the cross and be overwhelmed by our weakness. I get discouraged when I don't see things happening. And I am also very ruthless about it.
E.G

• Christian Union didn't go very well (...I didn't have anything amazingly original to say)
• Therefore I can't be praying enough for it.
• I'm a backslider.

Also I find myself reading the Bible, constantly looking for something which noone else has ever spotted before. If I don't find something, thens something's wrong with me.

Why do I look at things like that?

I don't know excatly, but it can't be right. We live by faith not by performance.

...I feel God has said something to me. It could be just a cool idea, but it has helped me so much recently to break out of the whole "performance" thing.
It goes something like this

"Stop trying...Start Trusting"

Now don't get me wrong, that's not "don't try at all at anything". But this is how that applies to my mentality.

Stop trying to save every person you meet... Trust God to bring up the opportunity to witness
Stop trying to impress all the non-Christinas at C.U... Trust God to speak to them gently.
Stop trying to hear God's voice... Trust Him to speak to you and make it clear at the right time
Stop trying to spend ages praying as if it will make you more commited... Trust God that one moment spent with Him is better than a thousand elsewhere

All this time I have been doing things because they make me feel more committed, more sold out, more "spiritual" (as Ann so correctly jokes about).
If I feel more committed, sold out and spiritual... then I feel more safe in my own strength... and I don't trust God and the relationship starts to crumble.

Instead I will stop trying to be spiritual and commited. And start trusting God that He loves me however unspiritual, uncommited or commited or sold out or whatver you want to call it. Then there is no pressure - no fear of failure - no condemnation.

Because I am under grace in Christ
Thank You Jesus so so much for that
Amen

Now for the first time in so long
I can really smile and mean it. I'm not constantly mad at myself. God does actually love me
:)

... feeling better already :)

Jesus You are so cool. All of about an hour (or so) later
I'm feeling a bit better already.

Just read around the last half of Revelation,
God is the best encourager - Jesus is coming soon...
He's coming for you and me - He's coming He's coming He's coming

He is my Salvation - Amen

....

Came back from church this morning... cried again.
God inists on loving me however rubbish my week was, and despite whoever's fault it was, even it it is mine (which it is).
You know what. It's such a relief to accept that i can actually do nothing at all, except follow God.
I cannot save anyone, make anyone a Christian, start a revival, or anything close.
Only God can do that.

So God, please if it's Your will, and because of Jesus (not because I deserve anything) would you do something really cool at school and save people and be really amazing like You always are.

God the passion is not mine. I have no energy left. Satan accuses me day and night. But You saved me...
Thank You.
It's up to You. If you use me then fine. If you don't then fine as well. Please bless school through me. I can't perform I can't pretend. This is what I pray. Thank You for hearing me. Thank You for loving me incessantly despite the idiot I am. I'm useless --- You are God
LORD God, Jesus. Help me to press on and not get dragged down by condemnation. Help me see your vision. And when I can't give me faith to hold on.

You are my everything
Jesus I LOve You
Amen Amen Amen
You are the Alpha and the Omega
My Saviour
Take me

Having a Rubbish week

ok
i hate to discourage everyone by emtying myself on my blog. But maybe its helpful to write my feelings every now and again.
I really badly feel like the most rubbish Christian ever - there are many reasons.

• I can't get my priorities staright and so i never get anything done properly
• Whenever i get a random thought I think I might be hearing from God and so if I don't obey it I feel super guilty - how sad
• I can never get on with my family
• My Mum has labelled me as a fanatic who noone wants to listen to because I am so unbalanced in my attitude towards God and life
• In a way she is so right as well, because I never think through my actions properly but I am really impulsive.
• I hate practicalities because they get in the way. I just want to live this amazing life for God but that would be unbalanced, fanatical and besides I'm doing rubbish anyway and always approach stufff from the wrong angle.
• I'm feeling guilty (and rightly so) for feeling sorry for myself.
• Whenever i want to get on and do something (like homework) all I can think about is God for the most part, and other stuff.
• I love to reason things over a million times in my head and I constantly try to self-analyse but can never suss myself out - I can't tell what my real motives are for my actions. EG - Do I really love God or am I just deluding myself. After all my life is crammed with all these tiny sins and bad attitudes that are so annoying which I shouldn't have if I really love Him with everything I have.
• Sins like sarcasm and just being argumentative and wanting to get my own stupid way. They seem to be tied up with who I am as a person. I have to actively concentrate to not do them at times. Consequently I doubt my salvation - now that's a worrying statement.
• God just keep loving me and I can't understand why. I am such a cocky stubborn WRETCH and i feel like my behaviour is like spitting at God when He has done so much for me. Why do I always want my own way? When can I want to be nice to my family. Don't get me wrong I want to but this isnful nature of mine just won't die and let God really reign in me. That sounds really confusing but I know God gets me and understands.
• Numbers of people have been going down at Christian Union at school recently. And I am convinced that it is (for a large part) MY FAULT because of my tendency to preach at people. Another point supporting my Mum's statement.

There's probably more. I like the sound of my own voice too much. So i'll shut up
I know God understands me and loves me. But I am just fed up to the back teeth with myself.
I need to grow up, and get a grip and stop being so concerned about myself and have a more outward look.

If anyone has any advice than please share - feel free to be harsh because I need some truth. I'm the one most guilty hrere of giving people false encouragement to try and make them feel loved when they are going thrugh a tough time. But if anyone...

dunno
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