Having a Rubbish week

ok
i hate to discourage everyone by emtying myself on my blog. But maybe its helpful to write my feelings every now and again.
I really badly feel like the most rubbish Christian ever - there are many reasons.

• I can't get my priorities staright and so i never get anything done properly
• Whenever i get a random thought I think I might be hearing from God and so if I don't obey it I feel super guilty - how sad
• I can never get on with my family
• My Mum has labelled me as a fanatic who noone wants to listen to because I am so unbalanced in my attitude towards God and life
• In a way she is so right as well, because I never think through my actions properly but I am really impulsive.
• I hate practicalities because they get in the way. I just want to live this amazing life for God but that would be unbalanced, fanatical and besides I'm doing rubbish anyway and always approach stufff from the wrong angle.
• I'm feeling guilty (and rightly so) for feeling sorry for myself.
• Whenever i want to get on and do something (like homework) all I can think about is God for the most part, and other stuff.
• I love to reason things over a million times in my head and I constantly try to self-analyse but can never suss myself out - I can't tell what my real motives are for my actions. EG - Do I really love God or am I just deluding myself. After all my life is crammed with all these tiny sins and bad attitudes that are so annoying which I shouldn't have if I really love Him with everything I have.
• Sins like sarcasm and just being argumentative and wanting to get my own stupid way. They seem to be tied up with who I am as a person. I have to actively concentrate to not do them at times. Consequently I doubt my salvation - now that's a worrying statement.
• God just keep loving me and I can't understand why. I am such a cocky stubborn WRETCH and i feel like my behaviour is like spitting at God when He has done so much for me. Why do I always want my own way? When can I want to be nice to my family. Don't get me wrong I want to but this isnful nature of mine just won't die and let God really reign in me. That sounds really confusing but I know God gets me and understands.
• Numbers of people have been going down at Christian Union at school recently. And I am convinced that it is (for a large part) MY FAULT because of my tendency to preach at people. Another point supporting my Mum's statement.

There's probably more. I like the sound of my own voice too much. So i'll shut up
I know God understands me and loves me. But I am just fed up to the back teeth with myself.
I need to grow up, and get a grip and stop being so concerned about myself and have a more outward look.

If anyone has any advice than please share - feel free to be harsh because I need some truth. I'm the one most guilty hrere of giving people false encouragement to try and make them feel loved when they are going thrugh a tough time. But if anyone...

dunno
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