I'm actually happy for the first time in ages...

It hurts so much to just do things as a chore (because we ought to) instead out of love for God. Legalsim destroys a relationship with God turning it into a routine.
I find myself constantly trying to "keep on track" by analysing everything I do - and think - , and looking at the rights and wrongs of it, and beating myself up over what a poor Christian I am.

Its so easy to miss what Jesus settled on the cross and be overwhelmed by our weakness. I get discouraged when I don't see things happening. And I am also very ruthless about it.
E.G

• Christian Union didn't go very well (...I didn't have anything amazingly original to say)
• Therefore I can't be praying enough for it.
• I'm a backslider.

Also I find myself reading the Bible, constantly looking for something which noone else has ever spotted before. If I don't find something, thens something's wrong with me.

Why do I look at things like that?

I don't know excatly, but it can't be right. We live by faith not by performance.

...I feel God has said something to me. It could be just a cool idea, but it has helped me so much recently to break out of the whole "performance" thing.
It goes something like this

"Stop trying...Start Trusting"

Now don't get me wrong, that's not "don't try at all at anything". But this is how that applies to my mentality.

Stop trying to save every person you meet... Trust God to bring up the opportunity to witness
Stop trying to impress all the non-Christinas at C.U... Trust God to speak to them gently.
Stop trying to hear God's voice... Trust Him to speak to you and make it clear at the right time
Stop trying to spend ages praying as if it will make you more commited... Trust God that one moment spent with Him is better than a thousand elsewhere

All this time I have been doing things because they make me feel more committed, more sold out, more "spiritual" (as Ann so correctly jokes about).
If I feel more committed, sold out and spiritual... then I feel more safe in my own strength... and I don't trust God and the relationship starts to crumble.

Instead I will stop trying to be spiritual and commited. And start trusting God that He loves me however unspiritual, uncommited or commited or sold out or whatver you want to call it. Then there is no pressure - no fear of failure - no condemnation.

Because I am under grace in Christ
Thank You Jesus so so much for that
Amen

Now for the first time in so long
I can really smile and mean it. I'm not constantly mad at myself. God does actually love me
:)