Getting on and doing it

i might not be posting for a while after this
I spend too much time doing things which maybe God hasn't called me to do instead of addressing the issues in my life that really need to be dealt with
My lazy attitude being of prime concern
Some things are easy for me to do. But when it comes to those nitty gritty things that I don't care about deep down but that God calls me to do, I'm a complete shambles.

School at the moment is really important. But I've been disobeying God far too long in not giving 100% effort to it. I've made very excuse under the sun, but at the end of the day...
disobediance is disobediance.

I'm in no position to teach anybody anything at the moment. Sin is sin. And it is always wrong. I'm no less guilty than anyone else no matter what their failure. I'm no higher than anyone else.
But i've been outright wrong., and need to get a lot of things sorted before I even think about ministry at the moment.

So I'm gone for a while
and I'll keep quiet

Thanks for everyone who's helped and encouraged me recently.
Thanks to God for helping get my attiude a bit straighter
I just need to get on and obey God

Believing God....

Well it's Tuesday night,
and so far I have not done a very good job at "pressing on". It seems that right at the point when I am most enthusiatic about getting it right, I fall.

I'm not trying hard enough at school, academically. And I'm just being so lazy and have felt so guilty over it. My recent tests have been poor and it's through simply not revising and not concentrating in lessons. Absoulutely my fault.
I feel attacked with accusations that are true about my failure to live how God would want me to do. Not making the best of my resources to serve God.

My parents are using their authortity to reshape my priorities (and rightly so) which are up the spout. I'm guessing my messed up prioities are a result of me spiritualising everything. As a consequence, things like education mean little to me as I figure that God can get me where I need to be if I put Him first. School feel like chains around my feet dragging me down when I feel desperate to spend some time with God.

But putting Him first does not mean neglecting my work to think about Him. It means worshiping Him through my responsibilities, by doing my work. I need to sort that out however painful that is.

But I'm beginning to realise, that in order to press on and not give up, like how Paul said in Philippians...
I am going to have to walk in grace all the time. There is no way I can continue to get so "hung up" (as Penny put it) over how I am doing.

And grace is a matter of faith. It is God's promise, the righteous will live by faith. Romans talks about it alot.
If I don't start believing God and taking Him at His word that I am indeed forgiven and wiped clean, then how will I ever press on?
Everytime God speaks loving words full of grace to me, through the Bible, through people (like George and Penny and Pat and Ann), during worship, I feel like I want to cry...

God soaks me in how much He loves me so often and I just break down and cry. But then only 24 hours later, at the end of another day, I am ridden with guilt over failure and about not being marked out as a Christian as much as I should.

Within such a short time period I find it near impossible to believe that God could ever love me.
Until, that is, I read my mail, and see a message from my blog, telling me that George had posted a comment full of love and patience to encourage me and help me out.
Thanks George. Thanks for being there to minister to me becasue it means so much.
I would probably give up completely if God didn't meet me to remind me of His grace through people like you.

Well, I have to go, and get some sleep
I need to believe God when He says that I am under grace. I need to believe Him when He says that He loves me. Not only during church or when someine is there to encourage me. But during the shcool day also. When I feel exposed in a secular and sin saturated world.

Thanks God for being there to help me out
Thanks for the people you send
and the words You speak
Thank You that You are there

Looking up... :)

Hey everyone

Thanks so much to everyone whose been praying for me
I'm well sorry for moaning and complaining so much recently. But thanks for responding in love
I'm so thankful for this family belonging to Christ that I am part of
You are all fantastic...EACH one of you

Mike gave an interpreation in church tonight
about lifting our hearts up and not getting buried under everything and dragged down.
That word from God broke me
I always focus on how badly I feel oppressed. And I get down and think negatively about how rubbish I am.

But we need to look up, to Him who can save us.
what Gareth said in youth chuch this morning about knowledge, belief and faith, ties in with it.
I cry out to God under oppression and accusation...
I believe He can save me, after all He is all powerfull.
But where is my faith, that confidence in what I believe. I want to be cnfident in my Savoiur

God has ministered to me so much today
I am so thankful. It's like all His attention had been focussed on seeing me through and loving me and teaching me what I need so desperately.
Mike's whole sermon was on some verses in Phillipians that have meant so so much to me recently.

Presing on towards the goal
Striving for the prize, even under oppression
being poured out like a drink offering, just like Jesus was.
Keeping on for God in His strength - and my weakness
Forgetting what is behind and keep persevering

These thoughts have been instruction, comfort, encouragement and bread to me
It is not about the oppression we will all walk through or how much we feel God.

It is about having a deep desire and yearning to see His name lifted high, far higher than any power
We worship Him, Almighty God, Holy and beautiful and true

This week, THIS WEEK
I am going to struggle for you God
I trust YOU, not anyone else, to be there
Even when I am in the desert, Even when accused by Satan and oppressed by all his power

I will Press on
And serve my brothers, and live like one set free by THE Saviour

It is for freedom You've set us free
I am not at all perfect, BUT I thank you for those places where through YOU, I will love freely, care freely, pray freely, and be free from sin

Thank You Jesus - my strength and salvation, My rock, my fortress, My MIGHTY Warrior
In You I trust

Amen

little by little...

I keep going up and down
but hey its how God see things that's important

This week has been a mess. I have felt rubbish every single day from morning to night.
Feeling like such a poor Christian I should be shot!
But it's hard to figure out why...

I was preparing for small (cell) groups, and I wanted to in some way, to help Christy, Joel and Daniel take their individual weaknesses to God. Sometimes it's hard to see if they even have any, because everything seems to be going fine for them. But I thought they must strugle with some things even if it is not foremost on their mind.

So I began to write down a list of areas of sin or general weakness that I used to - or still do struggle with myself. And this list got really long.
Most of these areas aren't shocking or "big". But they are there.
Areas like, assuming God has said something when He hasn't...
or being too talkative in classes at school
or not going that extra mile to do something good
or not taking that opportunity to do good where I should

There's so much more as well as that. Sins that build up over the course of the day that rip you apart so bad that by the time you get home you are too depressed to even pray properly. And then you forget to pray for people as well.

BUT BUT BUT

Salavtion is free!!! It's free
Not only do I not have to earn it... - I can't earn it

Hebrews 3 v7-8
So, as the Holy Spirit says:
"Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion,

v12
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.
(NIV)

I need to take God at His word when He says not to harden my heart, and to put faith in Him. I need to "hold firmly till the end the confidence we [I] had at first"(NIV)
That simple turst that... Jesus you have wiped my sin, my failings... Your power is made perfect in my weakness.
Press on, Press on!!!
Do your best, don't get down.
Maybe you do deserve to be shot, but rememeber... why grace was given to you

Like Paul said:
Ephesians 3:8
Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,(NIV)

Why the grace!!! to preach to unsearchable riches of Christ - to do His work, to serve people.
Yes it may be tough, I may fail, I may be rubbished, Peole may not even respond to God's message. But I must not bury my talent in the ground. I will use the little that God has given me and do my best.
I must I must I must
so

little by little - We go on - God and me... Him carrying and walking with me - being my warior and fighting for me while I fight for the people He wants to reach

That sounds very noble
A high and mature attitude
but Iwant to adopt it.
if you want, please pray that God would bring me into this
It is Him who makes me grow

I may well feel rubbish. But I need to take God at His word and promise of salvation, and press on to serve people
Learn to Serve!!!

Amen
Thanks Jesus - I trust you

its so hard to keep happy...

I loose balance the second i find it.
More is required from me.
I cannot give it, so I have to trust God to work through me
And trust Him it will all be alright

I understand I do not have to achieve and perform to be loved
But i cannot relax and not feel guilty
In heaven I will have eternity to rest
So should I not put all myself into what God calls me to do now

The problem is even though i feel guilty relaxing. I still do it
If I don't I can't think straight.
But when I do, I relax for too long and neglect responsibilties.

I can't even get my thoughts down staright today
If you're reading you're probably a bit lost.

I seek sympathy. But I feel so selfish, I'll be honest anyway.
I am so all over the place.
In a sense it's laughable.

Anyway. God reigns and rules
Jesus is coming for me. I trust Him to do that
Can I trust myself to be ready for Him?
Ummm
Umm
Oh Dear
I'm stuck there...

I'm actually happy for the first time in ages...

It hurts so much to just do things as a chore (because we ought to) instead out of love for God. Legalsim destroys a relationship with God turning it into a routine.
I find myself constantly trying to "keep on track" by analysing everything I do - and think - , and looking at the rights and wrongs of it, and beating myself up over what a poor Christian I am.

Its so easy to miss what Jesus settled on the cross and be overwhelmed by our weakness. I get discouraged when I don't see things happening. And I am also very ruthless about it.
E.G

• Christian Union didn't go very well (...I didn't have anything amazingly original to say)
• Therefore I can't be praying enough for it.
• I'm a backslider.

Also I find myself reading the Bible, constantly looking for something which noone else has ever spotted before. If I don't find something, thens something's wrong with me.

Why do I look at things like that?

I don't know excatly, but it can't be right. We live by faith not by performance.

...I feel God has said something to me. It could be just a cool idea, but it has helped me so much recently to break out of the whole "performance" thing.
It goes something like this

"Stop trying...Start Trusting"

Now don't get me wrong, that's not "don't try at all at anything". But this is how that applies to my mentality.

Stop trying to save every person you meet... Trust God to bring up the opportunity to witness
Stop trying to impress all the non-Christinas at C.U... Trust God to speak to them gently.
Stop trying to hear God's voice... Trust Him to speak to you and make it clear at the right time
Stop trying to spend ages praying as if it will make you more commited... Trust God that one moment spent with Him is better than a thousand elsewhere

All this time I have been doing things because they make me feel more committed, more sold out, more "spiritual" (as Ann so correctly jokes about).
If I feel more committed, sold out and spiritual... then I feel more safe in my own strength... and I don't trust God and the relationship starts to crumble.

Instead I will stop trying to be spiritual and commited. And start trusting God that He loves me however unspiritual, uncommited or commited or sold out or whatver you want to call it. Then there is no pressure - no fear of failure - no condemnation.

Because I am under grace in Christ
Thank You Jesus so so much for that
Amen

Now for the first time in so long
I can really smile and mean it. I'm not constantly mad at myself. God does actually love me
:)

... feeling better already :)

Jesus You are so cool. All of about an hour (or so) later
I'm feeling a bit better already.

Just read around the last half of Revelation,
God is the best encourager - Jesus is coming soon...
He's coming for you and me - He's coming He's coming He's coming

He is my Salvation - Amen

....

Came back from church this morning... cried again.
God inists on loving me however rubbish my week was, and despite whoever's fault it was, even it it is mine (which it is).
You know what. It's such a relief to accept that i can actually do nothing at all, except follow God.
I cannot save anyone, make anyone a Christian, start a revival, or anything close.
Only God can do that.

So God, please if it's Your will, and because of Jesus (not because I deserve anything) would you do something really cool at school and save people and be really amazing like You always are.

God the passion is not mine. I have no energy left. Satan accuses me day and night. But You saved me...
Thank You.
It's up to You. If you use me then fine. If you don't then fine as well. Please bless school through me. I can't perform I can't pretend. This is what I pray. Thank You for hearing me. Thank You for loving me incessantly despite the idiot I am. I'm useless --- You are God
LORD God, Jesus. Help me to press on and not get dragged down by condemnation. Help me see your vision. And when I can't give me faith to hold on.

You are my everything
Jesus I LOve You
Amen Amen Amen
You are the Alpha and the Omega
My Saviour
Take me

Having a Rubbish week

ok
i hate to discourage everyone by emtying myself on my blog. But maybe its helpful to write my feelings every now and again.
I really badly feel like the most rubbish Christian ever - there are many reasons.

• I can't get my priorities staright and so i never get anything done properly
• Whenever i get a random thought I think I might be hearing from God and so if I don't obey it I feel super guilty - how sad
• I can never get on with my family
• My Mum has labelled me as a fanatic who noone wants to listen to because I am so unbalanced in my attitude towards God and life
• In a way she is so right as well, because I never think through my actions properly but I am really impulsive.
• I hate practicalities because they get in the way. I just want to live this amazing life for God but that would be unbalanced, fanatical and besides I'm doing rubbish anyway and always approach stufff from the wrong angle.
• I'm feeling guilty (and rightly so) for feeling sorry for myself.
• Whenever i want to get on and do something (like homework) all I can think about is God for the most part, and other stuff.
• I love to reason things over a million times in my head and I constantly try to self-analyse but can never suss myself out - I can't tell what my real motives are for my actions. EG - Do I really love God or am I just deluding myself. After all my life is crammed with all these tiny sins and bad attitudes that are so annoying which I shouldn't have if I really love Him with everything I have.
• Sins like sarcasm and just being argumentative and wanting to get my own stupid way. They seem to be tied up with who I am as a person. I have to actively concentrate to not do them at times. Consequently I doubt my salvation - now that's a worrying statement.
• God just keep loving me and I can't understand why. I am such a cocky stubborn WRETCH and i feel like my behaviour is like spitting at God when He has done so much for me. Why do I always want my own way? When can I want to be nice to my family. Don't get me wrong I want to but this isnful nature of mine just won't die and let God really reign in me. That sounds really confusing but I know God gets me and understands.
• Numbers of people have been going down at Christian Union at school recently. And I am convinced that it is (for a large part) MY FAULT because of my tendency to preach at people. Another point supporting my Mum's statement.

There's probably more. I like the sound of my own voice too much. So i'll shut up
I know God understands me and loves me. But I am just fed up to the back teeth with myself.
I need to grow up, and get a grip and stop being so concerned about myself and have a more outward look.

If anyone has any advice than please share - feel free to be harsh because I need some truth. I'm the one most guilty hrere of giving people false encouragement to try and make them feel loved when they are going thrugh a tough time. But if anyone...

dunno
feel free to comment

Calling...

Sometimes i really struggle with myself as a Christian

One of my biggest problems is that i struggle to simple "be" before God. Instead i feel have to peform and achieve constantly in order to be who i should be in Jesus.

I see so many christians (who no doubt have their own struggles) who are:
so much more sold out,
so much more devoted,
so much more focused,
so much more prayerful,

than me...

I see them and think, wow
Look at that... Look at me

So i feel like i've wasted so much time faffing around when i could be doing something useful for God. So i fall back into legalism. Imposing all sorts of rules on myself to keep me on track. It makes me feel safe.
But the downside is, i grow weary very quickly and cannot keep it up, so i take a break to relax and sooner or later i'm back where i was in the start.

I need to rely on God's strength. To know the fullness of His love. To know His grace that sets me free from legalism.

But sometimes i wonder, is this thing inside me that makes me want to have an impact for Christ -

Is that actually God's calling on my life?
That He wants me to persevere that little bit longer to build charcter so He can use me for other things
If so then i don't want to miss out on that.

But its all about getting that balance

Thanks for those of you that have been praying for me. Because i have been getting better.
I am no hero in any sense. But i want to Press on into Jesus.
I know God will take care of the small things once i get my sight and heart fixed wholly on Him.

I Thank God for all of you out there who are part of His family. I want you to know that. I love you all so much, and may God give me a greater heart for you.
And if Jesus is not your Saviour then i am not here to judge you. We are all who we are by the grace of God and not by our own effort. And Jesus died for you. So that you would be released form the punishemnt of your sins and failings.
May you find Him
Amen

Beautiful One

We have a wonderful God
He has plans for His children
That we cannot reason out
His ways are higher than ours
He is greater than our logic or our imagination

I realise so many times - time and time again,
How God does not give up on me.
I am so weak, sometimes i feel like i can't even try anymore.
"When will i win over my failings?" i ask myself...

Then i see again that i cannot - but instead i should trust in Jesus
He is perfection
And He died in my place
So I could live by having faith in Him.

Another thing i've been learning. God works through us (as His children) by His Holy Spirit.
My own enthusiasm (manufactured by myself) only fades away, and has no wisdom to show me the right steps to take...

But the Holy Spirit will guide me into truth. In Him alone we can trust.
So I have to learn to listen to God's voice - not my own logic

God will provide passion when it is required - and that passion will not point to self but to God.
My own enthusiasm cannot sustain itself.

I will not try to encourage myself by my own reasoning.
But instead set my hope on God's grace
And turn to Him for refreshment - to Him who already knows my every need

Beautiful One
Thank You Jesus for being there to help me out
help me to listen to You
to trust You
and to be obediant

Thank You that you are already there in my future
Thank You that Your plans are flawless and I can trust You to provide for me
Amen

Craving for God

It's quite funny, sometimes you fail to realsie just how important some things are to you - until you are deprived of them.
Man what a feeling, i feel like i'm drained of my lifeblood like all my hopes have been dashed

...Just because i can't go to church tonight

It sounds insane - i didn't realise how much it mean't to me deep inside until i learn't that i had to look after my sister this evening. It wasn't actually something i had to do under my parents authority but it felt so wrong to leave her at home on her own - so i decided to stay.

God has a way of being so incredibly addictive, that i cling to Him without realising. Then i think what a blessing it is that He promises to be with me always - even unto the end of the age!
Nothing can overcome Him and He chooses to live inside of me - Amazing Grace

I think i need to learn that God is still with me (just as powerfully) even when i am not standing in His church. The real church is His family, which i am adopted into. - and noone can pluck me from His hand
Still i am thankful in a way for God releasing such a hunger for Him in me.

I can't describe it but it helps me pray.
So i'm gonna end here
Keep focussed on God and let Him draw you deeper


May God Bless you
and keep you

Here is a post for one of my best m8s at school

I have this mate at school called Prits
And he was asking me if i could give him a shout on my blog so he can be famous worldwide
so... because he means so much...
i couldn't refuse him
So Prits - here you are, your mention on the web,
Prits would like everyone to know:

that he is very funny but understanding and intelligent at the same time
he also enjoys many sports and loves to hang out and spend quality time with his freinds

lol...
am i flattering you a bit here?

anyway, Prits is fantastic and much appreciated
a great friend to hang out with.
One thing i really admire about Prits, is that he isn't two faced
he is straight with me and talks with me about loads of stuff
Great mate
Thank You God for Prits to hang with at school

God Bless

Songs?

I had this song in my head

God is good
all the time

and one that goes

His anger lasts a moment
but His favour lasts a lifetime

They might be the same song actually

What a cool song
Isn't it true
God Bless

Enjoying a relaxing holiday :-)

im still on holiday at the moment and it is very hot. but im still having a cool time. I think God's reminded me that it is ok to relax sometimes. Sometimes i get myself really worked up because i think that i have to be going at 110% every single day. To be honest im just not capable of it on my own. im only flesh and blood.

but we all have to be led by the Spirit and so im really only capable of doing what the Holy Spirit helps me do. Sometimes i feel like i have to be some big spiritual warrior ready to take on any challenge to be accepted by God. But i dont.

So im going to enjoy my hols. And im so glad that i can relax.
So if you feel like rubbish jmust because you have spent every second of your day reading the Bible or praying - dont worry.

God looks on you in love and doesn't pick out your faults
Bless you